


The Balance

by edawn1



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Choking, Gray Jedi, Gray Rey, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rey (Star Wars), Paranoid Kylo Ren, Picks up where TLJ leaves off, Post-Canon, Scheming Hux, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Supreme Leader Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-02-15 18:13:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13036668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edawn1/pseuds/edawn1
Summary: “You aren’t afraid of leaving the First Order,” she started in on him with a confidence she didn’t feel, “you are afraid of returning to the light. Taking responsibility for everything you’ve done. You think you would crumble beneath the weight of the light.” He turned and stared at her with a broken, mangled expression. “Maybe you will crumble, but I promise I will help you put together the pieces.”*Rey and Ben struggle with the push and pull of the light and the dark after the events of The Last Jedi. This won't go the way either of them thinks it will.





	1. Push and Pull

**Author's Note:**

> It is currently three days after the release of The Last Jedi and I've already seen it twice. I have so many thoughts and hopes after that masterpiece of a movie that I feel inspired to write something. This is that something. Rating will be earned and possibly increased in later chapters.

Rey awoke with a gasp, shooting up into a sitting position. She grabbed frantically at the small stool next to her which had been repurposed as a bedside table. The wooden legs scraped with a sickening sound across rough cement. She cursed when she realized her lightsaber was on a workbench across the room, still cleaved in two chunks of twisted metal.

She sprung up to her knees on the rock hard surface of her bed, fists raised in a defensive position. Her posture pointed her directly at the hunched figure sitting at her workbench.

“How long have you been here?” She hissed, not relaxing her tense body.

“A while,” was the only response she got in return.

When she was able to take in a few cleansing breaths she quietly slipped from her bed and padded barefoot across the room, closing the door with a soft clank.

She only slept with the door open due to the nature of the room. Her makeshift bedroom was a high security prison cell in it’s previous life and the claustrophobia was far too intense when the heavy metal door was shut. Coming from someone who grew up sleeping in a hollowed out AT-AT hull, that was a pretty serious charge.

The resistance had fled to the former Old Republic stronghold on Belsavis in the outer rim. It housed a long abandoned prison which was once used to hold the galaxy’s most dangerous sith and force users. Now, the entire planet sat abandoned.

The planet of Belsavis was nearly uninhabitable due to the surface of the planet being frozen over. Fortunately for the small remaining resistance who sought out a low-key hiding place, there were several temperate patches scattered over the planet’s surface created by geothermal activity. It meant the odd earthquake would knock them around every few days, but the ex-prison was sturdy, having been engineered with regular tectonic activity in mind, and it was a place to stay while they sought reinforcements.

Rey had hoped that whatever force suppressants this prison had used on the sith would help close her off from Ben, but whatever measures were formerly in place here were long gone. The dark side of the force was unusually strong here, maybe an imprint left behind by the anger of the sith that were trapped in this place.

No one else would be able to see or hear him, but the closed door offered her a mostly soundproof space to speak. She clicked the makeshift lock that she had welded onto the inside of the door herself into the closed position.

He finally looked up at her from his position perched on her only chair in the sparsely furnished room.

“The bond is growing stronger.” His voice rumbled and reverberated through her body in that eerie way it did when they spoke like this across the galaxy through their bond. It was soothing and terrifying all at once. “I can almost get a sense of your surroundings.”

She said nothing in response. Her gut clenched at the thought of him finding out where she was. There were so few rebels left, they had to be protected at all cost. It might be better for the resistance if she were to leave them rather than wait for him to find her. He would surely find her, it felt like an inevitability.

Ben’s hair fell lankly around his face. His eyes were red and sunken. It looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Her heart ached seeing him like this. Her mind raged at her heart. Her thoughts briefly flitted back to the time they had visited each other in the force when she was on Ahch-to and he was _less than fully dressed_. It was only weeks ago but it felt like years. So much had happened since then. He was so vital and healthy when she saw him then, confident and sure of himself.

Now, he was dressed in the same black tunic and pants, complete with boots and gloves. Rey guessed that a gold robe wasn’t exactly his style, Supreme Leader of the First Order or not.

“Where have you gone, Rey?” His voice was steady and tender as it normally was when he spoke to her. His eyes drifted down her face and chest to land on her stomach where a small strip of skin was visible between her pants and the undershirt she wore to sleep.

She tugged her shirt down to close the gap between rough fabrics and his eyes rose back to her face casually. He was far past being ashamed of his desire for her.

“You know I’m not going to tell you where I am, Ben.” She spoke softly but fiercely. Surely he didn’t expect an answer to such a question as that. She had spent days being infuriated with him, but her fury had now simmered to exasperation mixed with sorrow.

“Then tell me _why_ you went.” He stood abruptly, the chair he was perched upon scraped against the ground and she tried her best not to have a reaction to that. He didn’t seem to notice that he now had the ability to manipulate her surroundings and she wasn’t eager for him to find out.

“Ben-“ she started but he cut her off, growing increasingly agitated.

“Tell me why you chose that _pathetic_ gaggle of rebel scum over ruling the _galaxy_ by my side.” His hands were in fists at his side but his anger didn’t seem directed at her. She couldn’t tell if his fury was at himself for losing her or at the resistance for taking her away from him.

“Please, Ben… leave the First Order. I haven’t given up on you. I refuse. I know what I saw in my vision. I won’t give up hope.” She took a step toward him, not yet reaching out. The fingers of her right hand twitched.

“How can you still say that?” He whispered in an awed voice. “After everything? I killed Han Solo. I tried to crush the last of your pathetic resistance. With the First Order we could be the most powerful force in the universe. Even if I did leave to be with you, we would spend our lives on the run, we would never have an ounce of comfort. What is it that you think is left for me outside of the First Order?”

He paced, avoiding her gaze. He almost seemed to be calculating the possibilities in his head and she was hesitant to interrupt. What she wouldn’t give to see inside of his mind. The prospect excited and terrified her.

“You aren’t afraid of leaving the First Order,” she started in on him with a confidence she didn’t feel, “you are afraid of returning to the light. Taking responsibility for everything you’ve done. You think you would crumble beneath the weight of the light.” He turned and stared at her with a broken, mangled expression. “Maybe you will crumble, but I promise I will help you put together the pieces.”

He watched her with parted lips, nothing passed between them except short and soft breaths. She pressed on.

“I’m here. Your mother is here. We could be together.”

“My mother?” His head snapped up as if shaking out of a stupor. “She was on the bridge of the resistance command ship, I saw that bridge go up in flames.”

“She survived.” Rey whispered. A small blossom of hope sprang to life inside her chest. At the very least, he wasn’t aware his mother was still with the resistance when he tried to crush them under the fist of the First Order.

“How?”

“The force.” Rey took another step towards him. She felt so close to a precipice. If she could just push him over the edge… bring him back to the light.

“My mother has only the most basic understanding of the force… she could never save herself from that.” He scoffed, resuming his pacing. He actually had the nerve to think she was lying. “It is good to know that you would use such low tactics as trying to trick me into believing that my mother is still alive to get me to come to you-“

“I’m not lying!” She snarled at him, she resisted the urge to stomp her foot. “She saved herself.”

He looked at her apprehensively and approached where she stood. When they were only a hands width apart he looked down at her face with scorching intensity. His eyes flitted back and forth between her own.

“You’re not lying.”

She glared up at him, chin jutted out, refusing to look away before he did. She read his face closely for any sign of emotion. She thought she saw a slight quiver of his bottom lip.

“Please Ben, come home.” She was practically shaking with the need to reach out and touch him but she wanted him to reach out to her. It felt to her like a metaphor for their situation, she needed him to reach first. He had to.

“Tell me where you are.” He pressed. His voice was tinged with the desperate inflection of force persuasion. His words rolled off of her.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Then how can I come to you?” He raised an eyebrow and she fumed.

“If you choose the light over the dark, I will come to you. We can do this together. Ben, I-“

_Knock knock_. A clanging knocking sound came from her door, interrupting her, and both of their heads whipped towards it. It didn’t escape her notice that he could hear it.

“Rey? Are you awake?” The muffled male voice floated through the durasteel and every muscle in her body tensed. The waves of anger that rolled off of Ben in that moment were palpable and thick in the small room.

“Why would that traitor come to your room in the middle of the night?” Ben turned back to her with a questioning gaze, his voice deadly calm and even. His lips wrapped around his words like he was biting them. This wasn’t Ben, this was Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.

Rey ignored him and turned to the door.

“Yes, I’m in here, what do you want?” She cringed when she realized how harsh she sounded.

“Can I come in?” Finn’s voice floated back at her through the metal.

“It’s not a good time… I’m not decent.” She finished lamely. She raised a hand to rest on the door, it felt cold and rough, even against her calloused hand. She sensed Ben hovering behind her.

“Oh okay… I just needed…. never mind, we can talk tomorrow!” He stumbled over his words and a pang of worry hit her in the sternum. “Sorry to bother you!” His footsteps retreated.

Kylo pressed his hands against the door on either side of her, boxing her in. She managed to turn her body to face him without so much as brushing against his hulking form. Her back was flush with the cool metal but her body was on fire.

“Does he visit often?” His voice was soft and his expression was hard.

“Don’t do this, Ben.” Their breath mingled in the air between them. He had never felt so tangible in their connection as he was right now.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t act like a jealous lover,” she responded cooly.

He reached a gloved hand up as if to grasp her face gently and before he could make contact, the connection was lost and he was gone. The vacuum of space his form left behind drew her in and she gasped with shock as she was tugged forward, momentarily losing her balance. Her heart hammered in her chest and she struggled to breathe. The air felt thinner without him.

She stumbled back to her slab of a bed and collapsed on to of her thin blanket. She fisted her hand in the fabric and took in a few gulping breaths. Why did she feel this way when he was gone when it hurt so much to see him?


	2. A Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW. Thank you guys so much for all the love and support on my first chapter. I can't believe it got over 200 kudos, you guys really know how to make a lil' old fan fiction writer feel special. I feel so inspired.
> 
> I'll be switching some perspectives throughout this fic, the difference in their characterizations is intentional. Ben still definitely sees himself as "Kylo" at this point, and you will see Rey referring to him as "Ben".

Rey’s image melted away abruptly in front of Kylo and he swiped at the empty air in frustration. His raised hand hovered pathetically in the space before him. He slammed both fists into the steel wall panel he had been leaning against, the metal gave way to his rage and bent inwards with a sharp creaking noise.

Kylo settled his fists into the newly made indents and sucked in deep breaths through his nose. He had been so close to finding _something_ to clue him in to where she was.

He wanted to get her away from those pathetic resistance bleeding hearts before they had the chance to poison her mind against him like Luke had tried to do.

Luke. He had felt Luke in the force after their confrontation on Crait. He was dead. Or gone, rather, back to the force. It wasn’t by his hand, but he would have to settle for knowing that he was out of the equation for now.

How was the force still connecting Rey to him if Snoke was dead? Snoke had claimed he was the one to link them, but the bond was growing stronger still, even in his absence. Since the battle with the resistance, Kylo had suffered brief spikes of paranoia at the thought that Snoke might have somehow survived. He soothed his anxiety by recalling how he had been the one to dispose of the remains himself.

There were so many unanswered questions. So. many.

His frustration was boiling over. He needed to _destroy_ something.

As if on cue, the comms unit in his room buzzed. He stalked across the room and slammed the button to answer the call.

“Speak.”

“Supreme Leader, the scouts from the outer rim have returned, there is no sign of any functioning rebel bases on any of the habitable planets.”

Hux’s voice used to just be a mild irritant, similar to hearing the screech of a child who was on the verge of a temper tantrum. Now it was more analogous to someone hammering a nail directly into his ear.

“Send them back out,” Kylo hissed into the comms system. He reached out across the ship with the force and brushed against the pulse point on Hux’s neck. His general really was a rabid dog and, unfortunately, Kylo needed to keep his collar tight.

“Supreme Leader, we simply don’t have the manpower to comb every single planet in the outer rim-“

Kylo cut him off impatiently. “We are the First Order, the supreme power in the universe, I want to dredge out the resistance out of whatever hole they have burrowed in. Don’t stop until we have their location. That’s an order.”

“Of course, Supreme Leader,” Hux responded in that cool tone of his and disconnected. Kylo never missed the sneer in Hux’s voice when he addressed him as ‘Supreme Leader’.

It was his mistrust of Hux that kept him rooted here, aboard the Finalizer. He couldn’t go after Rey himself, Hux would stage a coup the second he left him in control of the First Order. He needed to find a way to rid himself of that incessantly infuriating rat. Killing one of the highest ranking generals in the order would only sew more confusion and dissent and he had enough trouble consolidating power after the death of Snoke as it was.

If she was here, this would be easier. No one would question her authority, _her power_. She would be a fierce, dark, beautiful empress at his side. His generals and officers would kneel at her feet and quiver in awe of their joined force abilities. He would dress her in fine black robes and make her his in every sense of the word.

The urge to posses her when he knew that she was not a thing that could ever be possessed drove him to the brink of insanity.

He conjured up the image of her in the throne room, a brutal warrior as she fought by his side against Snoke’s guards. The sight of her wielding his lightsaber, the hilt a massive thing in her tiny hands, nearly brought him to his knees. He remembered that image every night when he took himself in hand and searched for some kind of release from this torment.

She had fought with such aggression and ferocity, it wasn’t the jedi way. He had thought for sure…

Why did the force keep bringing them together to show them what they could never have? Surely it wanted him to turn her so they could bring order to the galaxy together.

Instead, it only teased and taunted the both of them. Snatching her away on a whim.

*

Rey emerged from her room after a sleepless night spent tossing and turning and trying to shake Ben’s image out of her head. 

She tried rubbing the exhaustion from her eyes as she stumbled towards the makeshift mess hall. Mostly they only had ration packets, but there were a few supply runners out on missions to gather food and other necessities and the thought of real food kept people’s hopes up. Rey, on the other hand, was used to rations so it didn’t make much of a difference to her.

The base was really coming together. They managed to scrounge up a couple derelict light fighters from sympathetic outposts and Rey and a few other mechanics had got them up and running with salvaged parts from the base.

She stared down at the reconstituted ration in front of her and tried to will her stomach to stop turning over so she could eat without the fear of it making a sudden reappearance.

The pilot Poe slid into a chair opposite her and she couldn’t help but wish he hadn’t. Conversational was not how she would describe her current mood.

“Hey, Rey,” he said gently and she looked up at him begrudgingly. That charming face and easy going manner of his was very effective in winning everyone over, she was no exception. It was mildly frustrating.

“Morning, Poe,” she mumbled.

“Leia was looking for you during our morning briefing, she mentioned something about a mission.” He gave her the courtesy of cutting right to the chase, he at least respected that she wasn’t big on small talk.

Poe had barely slept since the resistance had settled on Belsavis, but he managed to make even the unkempt, fueled only by caf look, dashing.

“Sure, I’ll head there now.” She made to get up but he reached out and touched her forearm gently, stilling her.

“Finn was looking for you too, he is in the medical bay with Rose.” Poe’s beseeching look was just as charming as all the others.

“Right, I’ll stop there after I talk to Leia.” She busied herself gathering up her ration for later. She preferred to eat alone in any case.

“How are you doing, Rey?” He asked her in a soft, concerned tone that made her want to draw away from him. She was afraid if anyone looked too closely they would SEE. They would see Ben.

“Oh you know, hanging in there.” She offered him a small smile. “How about you?”

“I’m fine, but I’m not the one who went face to face with Snoke and Kylo Ren and lived to talk about it.” His light hearted tone did nothing to assuage her anxiety about this topic of conversation. She hadn’t forgotten that Ben had tortured Poe, she couldn’t forget.

She told Leia that Ben had been the one to kill Snoke but the official story hadn’t exactly been distributed throughout the ranks, she wasn’t sure how much Poe knew.

“I’m fine, really.”

Poe sank back into his chair, recognizing that she was shutting down that particular line of conversation. “Right, take care of yourself, kid. And don’t tell the general you saw me here, I told her I would go right to my chambers and get some rest… as far as you know we passed by each other in the corridor.”

“Got it,” she offered him the warmest smile she could manage and squeezed his shoulder. “You probably should get some rest though, you look like you need it.”

“You sure know how to make a guy feel like a million credits.” He winked at her and she had her first genuine laugh in days as she exited the mess.

The halls of the base were eerily quiet as she made her way to General Leia’s chambers. Painfully few members of the resistance remained. That pang of panic that hit her when she thought of Ben finding them was back.

She pushed open the ajar door to Leia’s chambers, the general must hate being locked inside an old prison cell as much as she did.

“Sorry to bother you, General. I passed by Poe a minute ago, he said you were looking for me?” She inched inside hesitantly. Leia was hunched over a small desk looking at an analog map of a system Rey didn’t recognize.

“Yes, yes, come in, Rey.” She gestured to a stool next to her and Rey sat down obediently. “And please, I’m getting really fed up of insisting that you call me Leia.”

“Right,” Rey smiled. She secretly cherished the older woman insisting that Rey not call her by her formal title. That familiar feeling of longing she felt when she thought of Han Solo offering her a position on the Falcon was back in full force.

“I have a mission for you,” Leia began hesitantly. “I wish there was someone else who could go… but you’re the only one I trust to pilot the Falcon.”

“What is the mission?” Rey’s curiosity was piqued. She smoothed the fabric of her pants with damp palms.

“I need you to take the Falcon to Corellia.” Leia searched her face for a reaction.

“In the core?” Rey almost asked if that was wise but she bit her tongue.

“Yes, in the core.” Leia slumped in her chair. “It won’t be an easy trip and there is a heavy First Order presence in the Corellian sector… but the payoff is too big to ignore. I have faith in you and the Falcon to be able to slip in and out without being caught.”

A surge of pride swelled up within her upon hearing that Leia was putting her faith in Rey.

Leia continued on. “There is an old friend of Han’s, a ship builder operating out of the capital, Coronet. He made contact a few days ago, he must have picked up the distress signal we sent out from Crait. He has offered to provide parts and labor to help reinforce the Falcon’s defenses.”

Rey tried not to visibly cringe at the idea of someone else working on the Falcon after she had become so attached to it.

“He also has some connections to resistance sympathizers, the First Order has been putting a high demand on the ship and arms manufacturers in Corellia and the sentiment there is… restless, to say the least. They aren’t exactly happy with how they are being treated by the First Order. In the message he sent he promised that we could get a decent amount of fighters and ships to defect and return with you. It would all go a long way in helping us rebuild a fighting force.”

“Of course. When should I leave?” Rey’s heart was hammering in her chest. She would finally get to be useful again. It didn’t hurt that she would be far, far away from the rest of the resistance. If Ben did discover where she was, at least she would be on the move.

“Eager to get out of this hell hole?” Leia’s mouth twisted into a wry smirk and Rey blushed.

“It’s not that, it’s-“

“The dark side of the force is very strong here.” Leia nodded, sensing where the younger woman’s thoughts were going.

“Yes, how did you know?” Rey felt foolish for not thinking about how the dark energy here was affecting the others.

“I may not be trained in the ways of the force… but my connection to it is not what one would call negligible.” Leia made a vague gesturing motion with her hand. “This place is scarred and sick. Too much evil has passed through here, it’s like there is a gaping wound in the force.”

“I feel it too,” Rey nodded.

“Not much to be done about it, unfortunately. I have some of the remaining pilots scouting out possible locations for a new base but First Order scouts have been relentlessly searching nearby sectors and I don’t want to draw any undue attention our way. We are stuck here for now.”

Her heart ached to think that Leia was also dealing with the oppressive dark force that permeated this place piled atop all of Rey’s other worries.

“But enough about that…” Leia shook her head as if to banish those thoughts. “I would like if you could leave first thing tomorrow. I’m going to have Poe accompany you to deal with whatever fighting forces you can scrounge up. I need him to take today and recharge though, it will also give you time to get the Falcon ready for the trip.”

“Of course. I will head out first thing tomorrow.” Rey stood up and was grateful when Leia didn’t try to ask how she was doing like Poe had done. She probably knew that she wasn’t doing all that well, there was no point in putting on a front with her.

“Rey, I… I know that you have some kind of connection with my son. I won’t ask you to bring him back to me, the last time I asked that of someone it didn’t end well for them.” She closed her eyes as if to center herself. “If it’s between you and him… please, Rey, choose you.” Leia swallowed audibly in the quiet room. This was much worse than if she had simply asked how Rey was feeling.

Rey must have been gaping like a fish as she struggled for words. “General, I-“

“Leia,” she interrupted sharply with the correction.

“Leia, I can’t make any promises… but I don’t think that he would make me choose.” Rey averted her eyes down, not able to stand the look on Leia’s face. Ben wouldn’t hurt her, _he wouldn't_. Not knowingly, at least.

“May the force be with you.” Leia smiled softly up at her and then turned back to continue working at her desk. It was a clear dismissal, but her defeated tone made Rey feel sick. The general must think her a naive idiot.

Rey headed out for her next stop in the medical bay.

Her emotional energy was completely drained but she owed Finn a visit before she left tomorrow. If she was a droid her low battery alert would be going crazy.

The medical bay was tucked back in a secluded area of the prison, it had been quickly identified when they were setting up shop. Rey didn’t have the heart to mention to anyone that she didn’t think that this particular room had once been used as a medical bay but instead it was a sort of an advanced interrogation chamber. The dark energy was oppressive here.

Finn was slumped in a chair next to the only functional bed. Rose was encased in a bacta suit. She looked so still. The portable monitor next to her was silent but her life signs scrolled by at a leisurely and steady pace.

Rey approached her friend and laid a gently hand on his shoulder. Finn startled awake with a splutter and his hand went to his waist, where his blaster would be. The reflexes of a soldier.

“Rey, you scared me.” He ran a large hand down his face to wipe the sleep away.

“Sorry, I just needed to tell you I’m leaving on a mission tomorrow.” She sank into the empty chair next to him and reached out to grab his hands in hers. It was so easy to be affectionate with Finn, she never thought she would have a friend like this. She would miss him when she was gone.

“A mission? Already?” Finn’s face fell and his shoulders dropped.

“Yeah, Leia’s orders. Poe is going with me,” she explained. “I’m not sure I should say much else about it.”

“You two on a mission without me? Now you’re making me jealous.” That easy smile of his was back and she couldn’t help but return it.

“I’ll bring you a souvenir,” she promised and squeezed his hands. “Maybe some of those sweet treats Poe told us about?”

“I’d like that, Rey.” He squeezed back.

“What did you want to talk to me about last night?” She grimaced at remembering how curt she was with him. Finn shifted in his seat, his eyes flicking between Rose and Rey.

“I just know you haven’t been sleeping well and I thought you might be up…” he trailed off, chomping down on his full lower lip and settling his eyes on Rose’s prone form. “I thought I might be able to ask you for advice.”

“Advice?” Rey’s eyebrows lifted up.

“Yeah… on what to say to Rose when she wakes up. I’m not really good at this kind of thing.” Finn’s palms felt suddenly sweaty in her hands.

“And what kind of thing is that?” She gave him a wry, teasing smile and he shot her a withering glance.

“You know, a _girl_ thing,” he hissed in a low whisper, almost as if he was afraid Rose was only feigning sleep and would, at any moment, sit up and shout ‘Ah-hah!”

“Shouldn’t you be asking Poe about this stuff? Maker knows that I’m not exactly experienced with anything even close to an approximation of romance. Not that I partook in it, but courtship on Jakku usually involved warming someone’s bed in exchange for a hot meal.” Rey couldn’t help but grin at Finn’s horrified expression. She had kind of a grim humor when it came to thinking about how life used to be back on that awful desert planet.

“I can’t ask Poe, he isn’t like us,” Finn whispered.

“Like us?” She cocked her head.

“New at… well, new at everything,” Finn looked at her beseechingly. For a heartbeat, the open and pleading expression reminded her of Ben. She softened. Was Ben new at everything? She didn’t want to think about what kind of nefarious activities he got up with the First Order, but she knew for a fact that he had never loved. Was he even capable of it?

“I think you should start with kissing her boots for saving your life.” Rey gave him her sternest expression, still latently mad at him for attempting that suicide run back on Crait. “Then maybe just be honest with her, tell her how you feel.”

“Do you think that will work?”

“It’s what I would want if my friend was in love with me,” she said with a shrug.

“I don’t know anything about love,” Finn spoke in such a low voice she barely heard him.

“Yes, you do.” Rey nudged her knee against his. “You love Poe, and me, and the resistance. You have so much love in you, Finn. It comes so easy to you.” The last sentence came out slightly more bitter than she had intended.

“I’m still not so sure, but you made me feel better about it anyway.” He nudged her back and flashed those shiny white teeth at her, it looked like he was picking up a few tricks from Poe.

She leaned forward to pull him into a tight hug. He smelled like engine oil and bacta and the old leather of his jacket.

“Hold down the fort for me while I’m gone. When I get back, I expect an invitation to your wedding.”

Finn’s laugh in her ear warmed her to the core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> I feel terrible this chapter didn't have any Rey/Ben interactions, but I promise I'm building up to some good pay off!
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	3. Visions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot out of me, I worked and re-worked it a few times but I still feel so self conscious about it. Hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> I was listening to Camila Cabello - "Never Be the Same" while I wrote this.

She looked like she was having a nightmare. Her eyes flitted back and forth beneath her lids and her brows were drawn together in pain.

Why did the force keep bringing her to him when she slept? Kylo had drifted into consciousness only a moment ago to find Rey fast asleep, appearing in the force as if she were in bed next to him. He turned onto his side to face her, she was less than an arm's length from him but the distance felt insurmountable.

Her hair was loose and cascaded over her bare shoulder.

Maybe it wasn't the force doing this after all. Maybe they reached out to each other in their sleep.

He propped his head up onto his hand, and observed her silently, almost hoping that she would be gone before she awoke. When she was asleep he could pretend that she was here with him by choice. Maybe she came to him, finally giving in and letting old things die. He would give her space at first, let her acclimatize to this new life and command respect from their subordinates on her own. Then he would insist that they share quarters. The would share everything. For now, he would settle for sharing this space with her.

He was disturbed from his fantasy when he realized that she was now staring back at him. At least she was becoming accustomed to him. She didn't wake up with her fists raised, ready to fight, this time.

"You look sad," she said matter-of-factly in a small whisper.

"I was just thinking about something I can't have," he intoned in a low voice, trying to infuse his words with as much weight as he could manage.

She was wearing a loose sleep shirt that sagged down around her chest and she tugged it up self consciously. He wanted to reach out and stay her hand, but he remembered the last time they touched hands and he hesitated.

"Why are you whispering? Are you alone?" His mouth didn't give his mind a chance to stop the words from spilling out. He glanced around her as if he would even be able to discern another body if it was there with her.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

Her eyes flitted down to his bare chest for a split second and he warmed under her gaze. He longed more than anything for her to keep looking but she kept her gaze fixed upwards on his face. She reached out carefully and, without touching him, gathered a handful of blanket that had pooled at his waist and tugged it up over him to his shoulders. He had a brief flashback of his mother tucking him in to bed in another life.

He let his head drop down onto his pillow and a strange feeling of contentment washed over him.

"Rey," he whispered. He wasn't sure why he said her name, maybe he just wanted to taste it on his tongue. Things were different here in this sleepy state, they were both vulnerable.

"Ben." His name was almost an offering as it tumbled from her lips. Only she could call him that name. No one else was allowed.

She let her upturned hand twitch forward in the space between them.

He extended his hand hesitantly and settled it over hers all at once, enveloping and squeezing it. Their peaceful moment was shattered as it felt like they were sucked up into a violent storm that was suddenly raging around them.

The first time they touched hands back when they were just discovering their bond, the force showed them what could be. It showed him a vision of her turning to the dark. It showed her a vision of him turning to the light. Two possible futures.

This time was different, it showed them _everything_ that could have been.

The force showed Kylo Ren finding Rey on Jakku instead of Finn. He took her back to the Finalizer and made her his apprentice.

The force showed Rey becoming a devoted Knight of Ren and proving herself far more ruthless and violent than he ever was.

The force showed Ben Solo becoming a Jedi Knight. He was good and kind and just.

The force showed Ben and Luke working together to squash the threat of the First Order. They lived to protect and serve the New Republic.

The force showed him finding her on board the Falcon. Han Solo hired her after recovering the old freighter from an errant junk dealer and wanted to show off his new crew member and his Jedi son to each other. He was so proud of both of them.

The force showed what could have happened if there was no force in them at all.

The force showed Ben Solo becoming a smuggler like his father before him. He would have found her on a supply run to Jakku. They could have fallen in love.

The force showed a small freighter that they made their own.

The force showed a tiny slip of a girl, not much older than Ben had been when Han Solo started teaching him how to operate the controls on board the Millennium Falcon. She had freckles and a wild mop of black hair and she was perched atop her grandfather's lap as he explained to her the difference between the throttle and the control yoke.

Their connection still existed in all of these different realities. They always found each other.

"Ben, it hurts," Rey choked out, suppressing a sob. Tears were streaming down her face.

Reality crashed in around him and he released her hand, pulling his arms back to his chest. His cheeks felt wet.

She was shaking like a leaf. He wanted to reach out and pull her to him, comforting her. He didn't dare touch her again. He was _terrified_.

"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this happening to us?" Rey looked at him beseechingly, her eyes were glittering with un-shed tears and her shoulders were quaking. 

"I don't know," he growled. He slammed a fist down into the mattress in frustration and she startled slightly. The surprised look on her face told him she almost forgot she was in bed with a monster. He wished she wouldn't forget. He could never be anything other than a monster.

She would have him become that weak version of himself from the visions. She wanted him to go into hiding like the weak Luke Skywalker had.

Rey was still crying, just more silently now. "That little girl-"

"Don't." He cut her off with a stern voice. He did not want to _think_ about that girl that looked like both of them. It made his chest feel like it was going to crack open.

She curled in on herself, bring her knees up and wrapping her arms tightly around her torso in an attempt to self soothe. Her knees were only a hairs breadth away from his lower stomach. The visions hurt, but it hurt more to fear touching her when she was so close.

Kylo squeezed his eyes shut tightly, jamming his palms into the sockets and trying to relieve the pressure that was building in his head.

When he opened his eyes, she was gone. He cursed, scrambling forward into the space she had just occupied. He gripped and twisted the sheets in his hands. His head dropped to the pillow where her head had rested only a second ago. He inhaled deeply, only smelling the sterile scent of whatever detergent the droids used to was his sheets.

Wherever she was now, she was alone.

*

Rey awoke the next morning aboard the Millennium Falcon. Her head was pounding from the effort of crying herself to sleep after her late night connection with Ben.

The force was teasing them. It showed her images of a Ben that was... not her Ben. He would never be the Jedi Knight or the smuggler son of Han Solo. He was Ben who had made mistakes and could be redeemed. She wished the force would show her how to save him from himself.

The smell of brewing caf tickled her nose and she rose to join Poe out in the common area. He was slouched on the bench, reading through some schematics.

"I have some ideas for improvements on this rust bucket," he said in that voice of his that was too chipper for this early in the morning. He ran a hand through sleep tousled hair. He almost looked naked without his customary flight jacket.

"Oh?" She inquired, only half listening. The caf was just finishing and she poured herself a mug to the brim, she carried it carefully to the table to avoid it spilling over. Poe quickly moved his view screen away from the overflowing liquid, giving the mug a suspicious side eye.

"Yeah, I think we should completely gut the shield system, this thing is old, and I mean old." He gestured over the schematic emphatically. "We could really make this thing invincible if we want. It's pretty much our de facto command ship right now, so it needs it."

"Leia said that this ship builder we are meeting is related to whoever originally built this ship," Rey replied after she had gulped down a healthy amount of caf. "So hopefully they know what they are doing."

"Either way, we should reach the core tomorrow. I plotted a route that will avoid the largest First Order trade routes, but it will still be crawling with those creeps. Once we drop out of hyperspace we will need to move quickly and get to his personal dock on Corellia." Poe had taken care of planning their path as Rey was only really here to pilot in case they needed to get out of trouble in a hurry.

"Got it, let me know when to be ready." Rey nodded. "The first order will probably have eyes out for this ship. Ben wants it destroyed."

Poe's eyes widened and lips parted at her use of Ben's name and she swallowed nervously.

"We can get a jump start on the interior and start stripping some of the old redundant systems today." She continued on as if she wasn't on a first name basis with the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

"Rey..." he trailed off, searching for his next words. "Is there anything I should know about Kylo Ren? We are in this together, you are my partner on this mission. We have to trust each other."

Had she ever really trusted anyone? She trusted Finn with her life, but maybe not her heart. She foolishly trusted Ben with her heart, but certainly not her life. She trusted Leia to lead the resistance, but she didn't even trust her enough to tell her about the details of her connection to Ben.

Poe looked like he was afraid of her.

She glared at him over her mug. "I can see through him, Poe. When I look at him I only see Ben Solo. Kylo Ren is just a mask he wears. If you're asking me if the mission is in jeopardy because I can see past his childish disguise, then the answer is no."

She hated hiding her connection with Ben from Poe, but she knew she would never let it affect the mission. She would protect the resistance from Ben at cost of her own life if need be. If he wanted to take down the resistance he would have to go through her first. She knew he wouldn't be able to.

"Okay, okay," he said quickly, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want to make sure we have everything out on the table."

"It's on the table," she gestured at the physical table in front of her in place of the metaphorical one. He still looked skeptical.

"I heard you crying last night," he said softly. "I thought I heard your voice as well."

"That is none of your business!" She all but shouted at him. His mouth was drawn in a tight line.

"You can talk to me, Rey," he said fervently. He looked concerned, but not just for her. His concern was deeper than that. Maybe he was concerned at her ability to carry out this mission with him.

"Just stick to what you know, Poe. I can take care of myself," she said in a low voice. She downed the rest of her caf, slammed the mug with a clank back on to the table and shoved out of her chair to get started on the Falcon's systems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	4. Corellia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have warmed my cold, dead heart with all of your comments and kudos, every single one is appreciated. <3
> 
> Sorry I didn't get a chance to respond to a lot of the comments on the last chapter, I was away from home for the holiday, but I promise I read and smile at every single one, you guys are awesome.

Rey typed in the sequence to make their final approach into a small hangar just outside of Coronet City proper on Corellia.

Poe and Rey had flown in complete silence for the tense few minutes it took them to exit hyperspace and make their way down to the planet. The rattle and groan of the old ship seemed that much louder in the quiet air in the cockpit.

Sure, the Falcon was a Corellian freighter, in theory it should blend in with the haze of Corellian ships buzzing through the atmosphere, but it was very old and very _distinctive_. By some miracle they didn't attract First Order attention, and there was no shortage of First Order presence in the area. TIE fighters patrolled the planet's upper atmosphere and there was a permanent space station base protecting the strategic planet. Once a day the base would pass over Coronet City and eclipse the sun, a constant reminder of the oppressive fist hovering above them.

They settled the Falcon in to a row of similarly aged and beat up ships in the massive hangar.

Now, they could both afford to breath. Rey sank back into the pilot's chair as Poe raised himself up from the co-pilot's position.

"Wait," she said before she lost her courage. Poe tilted his head down to her, expression carefully neutral. "I'm sorry for snapping at you."

She got up from her chair slowly, powering down the console to avoid looking at him. She felt his gaze analyzing her. She tried to reach out with the force and search his feelings, but she felt him flinch and tense up next to her. Immediately withdrawing the tendrils of the force she had extended, she turned to face him.

"Don't you use the force on me." He frowned at her with his arms folded across his chest.

"You felt that?" She whispered as an ashamed flush crept up her neck.

"Not exactly, but after having my mind torn to shreds I know enough to recognize when I'm not alone inside my own head."

"Oh, Poe," she whispered, "I'm so, so sorry. I wasn't trying to-"

"I know you weren't," he waved a hand dismissively but his posture was still taught and defensive.

"I'm sorry, for everything." She dropped her gaze to the floor.

She felt a calloused finger underneath her chin tilt her head back up to face him. He grabbed both of her shoulders reassuringly and brought her in for a tight hug. She let out a breath of relief she didn't know she had been holding.

"It's okay, kid." He rubbed her upper back soothingly and it reminded her of Finn's hugs. How had she gone so long without knowing the warmth of sharing a hug with a friend?

She thought of what it might be like to hug Ben, and she knew that would be distinctly un-friendly and decidedly not unpleasant.

He must have sensed how much she needed it because he hugged her tighter. "I don't really know much about all that force mumbo jumbo, but I'll trust you from now on. I know you have it under control."

He gripped her shoulders again and leaned back so she was at arm's length and he leveled her with a serious look. "After Admiral Holdo.... well, I'm working on trusting people. It's part of my personal growth."

She gave him a warm smile that she was afraid didn't quite reach her eyes. His face split into a grin in return.

"Thanks Poe, I promise I won't let you down." She couldn't promise not to keep secrets, but she knew in her heart she would do anything for the resistance and it was enough for it to not feel like a lie.

"Okay, enough of the sappy stuff, let's get this show on the road, shall we?" He extended his arm to her as if he were a gentleman and she were a lady. She took it with a flourish and they exited the cockpit together.

Guilt gnawed at her insides. She had his trust, but did she deserve it?

*

The attitude on Corellia was indeed restless, the First Order was working the labor unions to the bone. There were rumblings of planet-wide open rebellion, but they would settle for a handful of defectors for now. The resistance needed stability urgently. Rey was sure that Leia would want to stoke the flames of resistance in the Core after there was less of a danger of the entire rebellion being wiped out in one bombing pass.

By the end of the day, Rey and Poe had assembled a fighting force of thirty individuals and their various light fighters, three cruisers, and a new medical frigate for the resistance.

Poe immediately got to work taking inventory of their new acquisitions and training all of the men and women on resistance protocol.

Leia's contact and the owner of the ship yard they were docked at, Axel Zimmer, had begun renovation of the Falcon. Rey hovered around nervously, insisting that he keep true to the original integrity of the ship. He continued to brush her off and command droids around the craft, insisting that he knew the old freighter like the back of his hand.

She crawled down a rickety ladder into an old service hatch to work on replacing some old wiring before they wrapped up for the day and ate dinner. Axel's wife was preparing a feast for them, and Poe had already begun hitting the Corellian Brandy when she insisted that she just wanted to check on a few things before washing up. Back on Jakku the day wasn't over until the sun was down, and most days well after that. She was used to working long hours.

The service hatch was a tight squeeze but she fit with room to spare, she could even lean back against the wall while she worked. Grease was surely caked on her hair and face by now but she shoved some loose hair behind her ear and got to work on the panel in front of her. She felt at peace down inside the ship, it was quiet and warm. If she closed her eyes she could fall asleep, but she didn't want to miss out on dinner so she soldiered on against the fatigue.

As she was stripping a particularly stubborn wire, that now familiar feeling of all the sound being vacuumed out of the room overcame her.

"You're absolutely filthy, Scavenger." His voice reverberated in the tight compartment. His voice was tinged with disgust and... something else.

She glanced to her left to see him standing next to her in the tight space. He was dressed in his normal get up, complete with gloves. Thankfully his face was bare, she thought it had been a while since she had seen the mask and she was grateful for it. She briefly wondered what his day to day routine as Supreme Leader was. She could picture him barking orders at subordinates and stalking the halls of a star destroyer like a grim spectre.

She should probably feel self conscious about her grease covered state but she couldn't muster the energy.

"Have you gone back to the only thing you were ever good at?" He hissed. Obviously he wasn't a fan of being ignored. She thought back to two nights ago in her bed when he had reached out to hold her hand. His anger was a defense mechanism, it had to be. He had been so open then, and it only brought pain down on both of them.

She dragged her wire cutter down the stubborn wire she was working on and it slipped, the sharp point came off the wire and nicked her finger. She gasped, more out of surprise than pain, and a small bead of blood bloomed on her finger tip. He had made her lose concentration.

Risking a glance over at Ben, she noticed his eyes were transfixed on her finger. His lips were parted slightly but he was mercifully silent. She brought her finger up to her lips and sucked the blood off. His eyes tracked the movement intently.

"I'm busy, Ben," she whispered. He didn't look away from her lips when she picked up the wire cutter to resume her work. He was too close to her, the service hatch which had just felt roomy only moments ago now felt cramped and claustrophobic with his hulking frame hovering next to her.

"I can see that," he snipped.

His initial aggressive demeanor faded. He leaned his shoulder into the wall and observed her working. His brow smoothed out and his jaw loosened from it's clenched position. Warm red light that illuminated the compartment washed over his face making his skin look smooth and young. While he watched what her hands were doing, his eyes darted up to her mouth every so often.

"What? No begging me to tell you where I am today?" She rolled her eyes and turned back to her wire.

He was oddly silent so she once again peeked over at him from under her lashes. He looked... reserved. His lips were pressed together and his eyes looked almost sad. His posture wasn't as tightly strung as it normally was, his gaze was staring off over her shoulder absently. The air felt thick and heavy around her.

"Ben, why aren't you asking me where I am?" She questioned, her hands stilling their motion.

His eyes flicked over to meet hers. His mouth opened as if to speak, then snapped closed with a soft clack of his teeth instead.

"Do you know where I am?" She repeated, putting all her effort in to keeping her voice steady.

"I'm coming for you, Rey." She could tell he tried to make it a promise, but it came out as a threat.

She dropped the wire cutter and turned to face him, hands trembling.

"Just you? Or the First Order?" Her voice was calm, as if she were asking how the weather was where he is.

"Just me," he said in a low voice. "The fleet will be in range though, so don't get any ideas. I'll spare whoever is with you if you come quietly. If you put up a fight I will level the entire planet to find you."

"I'm alone," she responded instantly. The wheels were already turning in her head, if she could just get out of the system, he would chase after her and leave the others alone.

"You're not. You're with a resistance pilot and you are stirring up resistance support on Corellia."

Her heart stopped. No. There was no way he could know that for sure.

"I'm alone," she repeated.

He sighed in a resigned way that made her fingers itch to slap him. "If you insist."

"Even if I wasn't alone, you would never let anyone else go, you want the resistance eliminated" Her voice was wavering now between rage and sorrow.

"I do," he said calmly. "I want you to help me eliminate them."

"I would never-" she hissed vehemently but he continued on.

"I'm willing to let them go for now in order to obtain you. They are so crippled they don't pose any threat to the First Order."

"Ben, don't do this. This isn't what you really want." She reached into the space between them, she had to make him see. He stepped back, looking at her hands as if they were diseased. He was terrified of those visions. He didn't want to see any version of himself other than this tortured monster that he was. He didn't even see the choice that was in front of him.

"Enough." He barked out the word so sharply it startled her and she wavered on her feet. "Be prepared to come with me or say goodbye to your pathetic little rebellion."

"Ben, no!" She cried out, but he was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	5. Two of Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love writing this story. All of your support means so much to me, thank you all!
> 
> I wanted to get this chapter out before the weekend since I know I will be busy this week. Enjoy!

As soon as Kylo's TIE silencer hit atmo, a small cloud of light fighters erupted from the hangar on the planet's surface below. The fighters appeared to be escorting three larger cruisers which had taken off before he was in visual range. They were out of weapons range and they quickly made for open space, not even bothering to engage him. No use in him wasting time going after them when the fleet was surrounding the planet, he continued on towards his target.

Rey's force signature wasn't among the small fleet. He thought he could sense her down on the planet. He imagined she was waiting for him.

The silencer maneuvered gracefully into the hangar and set down near it's mouth. He could see the Falcon in front of him. The door was open and Rey was calmly unlocking a fuel line from the hull. She didn't look in his direction.

She wasn't alone though, the pilot Poe Dameron was running at full tilt towards the falcon from the other side of the hangar, his arms burdened with supplies. He was shouting something to Rey, glancing nervously over at Kylo's ship.

Kylo scrambled out of his seat and out of the ship. He stalked towards them, lightsaber drawn and gripped in his gloved hand, but not ignited. She continued to prep the ship as he approached, the freighter's sublight engine fired up after Dameron had disappeared into the ship. The wave of energy blasted his hair back from his face and bathed the inside of the desolate hangar in cool blue light.

"You're motley group of rebel fighters won't stand a chance against the First Order fleet," he shouted at her. "They will be annihilated before they make it out of the system," He was closer now, only a ships length or two away, and he stopped walking. Her head snapped in his direction, that got her attention at least.

"You said you would let them go if I came with you." Her voice was ice cold. Her hair also swirled around her face and she looked like the fierce little jedi he saw fighting the praetorian guards.

"You appear to be trying to escape." He gestured towards the still open entrance of the Falcon. Her lips were set into a thin line and her eyes were narrowed.

Dameron chose that moment to reappear. "Rey! Come on!" He shouted over the engine from the ramp, a nervous hand rested on his blaster.

She turned her back to Kylo and approached Poe. For a moment, Kylo thought she would board the ship and attempt to fly away. He would blast them out of the sky himself if he had to. Instead she halted in front of her companion and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace.

White hot fury erupted through Kylo's veins at the sight in front of him. She would dare turn her back to him and hug his enemy? Dameron looked over her shoulder at him cautiously, not taking his right hand off his blaster. His left hand responded to her hug and settled on her lower back.

Kylo ignited his saber and he could barely hear the crackle of the unstable weapon over the sound of blood pounding in his ears.

"The fleet will have started picking off your fighters by now," he shouted to them. "If you want to die with them, now is your chance."

She still didn't turn to look at him.

"Poe you have to go," she urged, gently pushing him back into the Falcon with her hands on his chest.

"What?! No, Rey, you don't have to sacrifice yourself. We can go together." Poe's distraught gaze looked between Rey and Kylo. He tried to grab her arm to pull her in with him and she twitched backwards out of range.

"Poe, please. You have to trust me." She raised her hands to frame his face, running her thumb over his cheekbone, and his eyes were wide with shock and sadness.

Enough of this. The pathetic display was grating on his nerves. Who even was Poe Dameron to his Rey? Kylo moved towards them, he would cut Dameron down if he was foolish enough to dismiss the danger he was in.

Rey sensed him and spun away from Poe, igniting her lightsaber in one swift motion. She moved to block his path towards the pilot.

Kylo was shocked to see the Skywalker lightsaber rebuilt. Now it was... _different_.

"Poe, go now! They need you more than I do!" She shouted over her shoulder and raised her blade in a defensive posture.

Kylo stopped in front of her, staring at her in awe of the weapon she had built from the shattered pieces of his grandfather's sword.

The coward Poe Dameron boarded the Falcon without any further protest and the Falcon swiftly made it's way out of the hangar to join the fight.

"The crystal cracked. Now we are a matching set." She gestured towards the glowing blue blade of her saber which was crackling and spitting just as his did.

"It's beautiful," he whispered. She was beautiful wielding it. He didn't lower his own blade, part of him wanted to hear the sound of the two blades coming together in a glorious crash of sparks and energy.

"Call off the attack on our ships, Ben." She adjusted her grip and strengthened her resolve, her face becoming a mask of indifference.

"You'll join me?" He hated the tinge of hope in his own voice.

"No, Ben." Her features softened and her lips turned downwards in a frown. "I'll go with you as your prisoner, but I won't join you on the dark side."

His grip slackened on the hilt of his saber. She would be his prisoner, not his partner or apprentice or whatever other role he had imagined her filling. The thought of a submissive, caged Rey made his skin itch, it was the opposite of everything he wanted for her.

"Why would you give up so easily?" He regarded her with suspicion and he lowered his weapon. This felt too easy. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as if they anticipated this was all a trap, despite having been orchestrated by him.

"You haven't given me a choice," she hissed. "Now call off the attack!"

He raised his comms unit slowly to his mouth. "Disengage all rebel ships. Don't mount a pursuit."

She breathed a heavy sigh and clicked off her saber, lowering it to her side. Her hands were shaking.

He wanted her to join him willingly, but if she was with him he could at least focus his efforts on turning her. They wouldn't be subject to the painful visions of that twisted force bond if he had her in person. A stab of regret hit him in the gut as her shoulders hunched and she looked at him with a drawn, resigned expression.

He called her lightsaber into his hand and she did nothing to stop it from flying to him. He turned the hilt over and examined where she had mended it. There was a neat weld around it's middle where she re-attached the two pieces.

He closed the space between them and only when he was standing within arms reach of her did she look up at his face. He reached out and extended the hand holding her lightsaber towards her. It was an offering.

"You're not my prisoner, you're my guest." She looked up at him with wide eyes and parted lips. When she didn't take the lightsaber out of his hand herself, he reached down and hooked it onto her belt deftly. His fingers skimmed along the cool metal as he released it and allowed the hilt to dangle at her hip.

"If that's what you have to tell yourself," she murmured.

They were close now. She still smelled like engine grease, but she looked much cleaner than she had in their last connection. He longed for her to reach out and touch him like she touched her precious resistance pilot. He still felt acutely the spike of jealousy that raced through him when she had touched Dameron's chest and face. When she hugged him Kylo regretted not killing him when he had the chance back on the Finalizer when he was strapped down and freshly tortured.

She may not be going with him willingly, but if she only knew how much he really was at her mercy, she certainly wouldn't feel like a prisoner. He felt like a pathetic child all over again, he yearned for her attention and approval almost as much as he had for Leia Organa's as a small boy.

"Let's go," he said with a calmness he didn't feel and stalked back towards his ship, pleased to hear her footsteps behind him.

*

Poe caught up to the fleet as they were facing down two star destroyers and a flurry of TIE fighters. They were taking heavy casualties already, his chest ached. These men and women had only just signed up with the resistance because they believed in it, because they believed in him. He had the overwhelming feeling that he was letting everyone down.

The old and clunky freighter was surprisingly maneuverable and he positioned himself in protective formation over one of their cruisers.

Just as quickly as a new squadron of fighters began to engage them, they tore off and appeared to be returning to the fleet.The ventral cannons on the destroyers stopped their assault and went silent.

"They are letting us go," Poe said disbelievingly into the comms unit. "All ships to hyperspeed." He punched in the pre-arranged coordinates and waited for the rest of the fleet to disappear before engaging. They had set up a series of jumps to throw off any hyperspace tracking the First Order might have locked on to them.

"I can't believe she did it," he whispered to himself, fingers flying over the controls and only stopping to breathe once that familiar tunnel of stars enveloped the Falcon.

*

Rey felt the TIE silencer finally set down. It was an uncomfortable flight to say the least, the fighter was really only a one man ship so she sat hunched inside a small cargo hold.

Light flooded the hold and she was greeted by Ben's grim face. He extended a hand to help her out of the cramped box but she brushed him aside and unfolded herself with as much grace as she could muster. They stepped out of the ship together.

Letting herself get captured seemed like an increasingly more tenuous plan as she took in the massive First Order Hangar. Squadrons of stormtroopers and deathroopers marched around them, some just having returned from the assault on her friends.

When they reached the bottom of the ramp, a trooper announced the presence of the supreme leader and the entire hangar screeched to a halt, everyone turning to salute him. It was decidedly creepy how the sea of faceless subordinates pledged allegiance to him.

He at least managed to look uncomfortable about it. He stalked forward without acknowledging the display and, not knowing what else to do, she trailed after him. She had to walk fast to keep up with his long paces.

General Hux greeted them about halfway through the mass of troopers. She had never seen him in person until now, but she recognized him from Leia's briefings. He was out of breath as if he had run all the way here from the bridge.

"Supreme Leader, welcome back." He sneered over at her. "I'll have the men escort the prisoner to the cell blocks."

"No!" Ben snapped at the tall red haired man.

Hux looked taken aback, his mouth dropping open for just a second before regaining composure. "Where else would you have me instruct them to take her?"

"Your men aren't to touch her," he enunciated each word sharply. His feet shuffled slightly and he had shifted closer to her. "She isn't a prisoner, she is my guest."

It was then that Hux saw the lightsaber at her belt and the lack of any kind of restraints on her hands.

"Supreme Leader, she is responsible for killing-"

"You are dismissed, Hux. Return to the bridge." Ben waved his hand imperiously and this time instead of stalking forward and leaving her to trail behind him, he reached out and pressed his finger tips gently to her elbow to lead her ahead of him. The contact between them seemed to please their bond because she was flooded with a warm, pleasant feeling.

"And what of the rebel fleet that just slipped through our fingers?" Hux snapped at their retreating backs.

"Were my orders not clear?" He spun around to face the man again. "Do not pursue them."

"So now we are in the habit of allowing open rebellion to flourish in the Core?" Hux spluttered unflatteringly. His face was turning pink and his entire body was wound up as tight as a spring.

Rey could appreciate how weak letting the resistance go made him look to his officers, what she didn't understand is why Ben would do it. He could have captured her and still decimated the small fleet, especially this deep in the core where First Order support was relatively ubiquitous.

Rey could feel waves of rage flowing off of Ben, their brief contact had only heightened her sense of him and awareness of his feelings.

He extended his arm in front of him and Hux's gasp was cut off as his hands flew up to his throat. He sank to his knees and tugged at his collar desperately.

Rey's eyes darted between Ben and Hux. The troopers surrounding them made no moves to save their commanding officer, their expressionless masks were fixed forward as they stood at attention. Just as she was about to stop him from killing the man, Ben released his force hold on Hux and he crumbled into a heap of crisp black uniform and red hair.

"Question my orders again and I won't release you next time," he spat the words down at his general.

Ben didn't look over at her horrified at her face as he spun on his feet to guide her away from his sea of subordinates.

She looked back over her shoulder and a nearby captain was helping General Hux to his feet. She could swear she heard him mumble something to the captain, something along the lines of - "Now there are two of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... I wonder what Rey's plan is??
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Check out my tumblr - "edawn"


	6. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, all of your support and kind words humble me. You are the best readers a girl could ask for, hopefully I'm not letting you down!

The Finalizer didn't have a proper throne room, despite Kylo choosing it as his seat of power in the First Order Fleet while The Supremacy was being rebuilt. Instead, he had a set of suites that had been converted into a small audience chamber and quarters for himself.

He wasn't necessarily unsatisfied with his old quarters, he had always lived the life of a simple servant to whatever master he happened to serve, the light or the dark. As a young child he enjoyed the benefits of having a princess and prominent senator for a mother, but he quickly became accustomed to living with only the necessities when he was training to be a jedi and this simple lifestyle carried over to his time serving Snoke. A servant didn't receive luxuries, and he was always a servant in a manner of speaking.

Now that he was the Supreme Leader, he felt compelled to have a more impressive suite, if only to keep up appearances.

Rey trailed after him, quiet as a mouse. He could practically hear the wheels turning in her brain, but he didn't dare reach out and attempt an invasion of her mind.

Insecurity and second thoughts swarmed his mind. How was she the one so calm and collected when they were here, in his domain? She had previously come to him voluntarily, now she returned with him, though perhaps it could be said she was under duress on this occasion. Neither time was she frightened of him or of the thought of being his prisoner.

When they arrived at his suite, he burst into the audience chamber and made a quick escape into his own private quarters. Rey's footsteps behind him faltered, but quickly steadied and she resumed her previous pace. She was not afraid of entering the Wampa's den, but perhaps the Wampa's bedroom struck a chord of fear within her.

He paused at the door when she followed him into his quarters, pressing the button to close and lock the door behind her. They were in a small common room with several branching rooms which contained his bedchamber, a training room, and a room containing his private altar.

He crossed the open space to a small, ornate cabinet and removed a glass decanter filled with a honey brown liquid and two glasses. He poured three fingers of the liquid into each glass, knocking back his own as he dropped the other one onto a sleek black table for her, if she was brave enough to drink something provided by him. He refilled his with slightly more liquid this time.

She hesitantly approached the table and took the glass, holding it up to the light and studying it as he dropped his tired body into a nearby plush armchair. He slouched into the material and tipped his head back to rest on the backrest, swirling the liquid in the glass absentmindedly.

Waves of confusion rolled off her and extended outwards towards him in the force, she was projecting every emotion to him without even realizing. Or maybe she did realize, and the confusion was meant to be posed as a question.

"Why am I here, Ben?" She finally asked after a period of stubborn silence that lasted far too long. He looked up at her and watched her take a tentative sip of the alcohol he had poured her.

That was the magic question. He had many reasons for wanting her with him, but he chose to divulge only the most obvious one for now.

"The incident with Skywalker has shaken my officer's faith in my abilities in the force," he explained. Her blank expression gave him no choice but to continue on. "He made a fool of me on Crait. I wasn't able to defeat a ghost, I let the resistance escape." The fingers of his left hand dug into the armrest they clung to.

"How do I fit into this?" She was looking off into the distance as if trying to puzzle out his words for herself.

"Can't you see, Rey?" He leaned forward in his chair, she was standing just out of his reach and he longed to reach out, to grab her and bring her closer. "The force is pulling us together. It is showing us how much stronger we could be, if only we worked together. No one would dare question our powers if they were joined."

She visibly cringed on the word 'joined' and it caused his stomach to roll with anger.

"I can't help you while you are on this dark path," she whispered. He thought he heard regret in her voice, but maybe it was just sadness.

"What did I tell you about the dark and the light? About the jedi and the sith?" He bit out with barely contained fury. "We will start our own order of force users, more powerful and wise than any before us. It will be our legacy. Together."

"Ben, this is wrong, can't you feel it? The corruption of the dark side is not the way forward. There is powerful light and powerful darkness, we can find a balance. Master Luke said-"

"I do not want to hear his name!" He shouted, cutting her off. He got to his feet and threw his half filled glass at the wall with all of his might, his body tensed like a barely harnessed mass of potential energy. It shattered into a micro cosmos of tiny pinpricks of glass against the glossy black wall.

"Nothing will be accomplished while one of us is the prisoner of the other." Her voice was now a crisp mask of cool assueredness. The angrier he got, the more reserved and calm she became. "When we were both knocked unconscious after my lightsaber was ripped apart, I woke up first. I looked down at you and I thought about dragging you back with me. I could take you and make you see..." She trailed off, looking down at her feet. "I thought for a moment taking you with me was the way forward, but then I realized that you would only wear darkness as your shield if I took you. You would bury yourself so deep within your twisted ideologies you wouldn't ever be able to let the light in. I knew it wasn't the answer. Just like you taking me captive isn't your answer."

"The difference is you wanted to take me and make me weak. You wanted a neutered, tamed version of me." He sank back into the chair he had left a moment ago. She stood rooted to the spot in front of him. "I want to see you powerful and fierce. I would never want to close you off from any aspect of the force that gives you strength."

"You aren't listening, I don't want to cut you off from the dark side, I want to show you the balance." She was biting her words out now, looking him dead in the eye.

"Now is not the time for balance and moderation, we need power. My general's faith is shaken, I need you to help me regain order and assert my power as Supreme Leader."

"I will never help you. Never." Her little body was quaking with rage before him, fists clenched at her sides. "Why do you think any member of the First Order would have any respect for me?"

"Not respect, fear. Fear is what we need right now, and they do fear you. The entire First Order is under the impression that you killed Snoke. Hux might suspect otherwise, but he wouldn't openly challenge me on this matter." Kylo explained, gesturing with the hand that previously held the now shattered glass.

"Why do they think I killed Snoke?" Her voice got lower and deadlier and he got a thrill out of getting her all wound up and furious.

"Because that is what I told them."

"You've gone absolutely insane. Making everyone think I killed Snoke won't help me rule with you. Fear only goes so far, it doesn't win wars. I can't help you, Ben. Not this way." The anger melted out of her and her shoulders visibly softened. His chest hurt. When she was directing all her anger and fury at him he couldn't help but feel like he was winning her over to his cause. When she got that defeated, desolate look in her eyes it felt like a loss.

"I finally have everything I've ever hoped and dreamed for. I have the most powerful military ever amassed at my command. I can bring order to the galaxy. Yet, suddenly, it is all worthless without you at my side." He pressed his lips together to prevent more words from pouring out.

She stared him down. He finally stood and approached her, she didn't budge from her position but her body language was closed off and ice cold.

"Rey, the unease in the ranks is palpable, my generals will look for any excuse to overthrow me. Together we could put them in their place." He reached up a gloved hand to cup her face but she raised her hand up quick as lightning and batted his away. He dropped it uselessly to his side.

"You are a paranoid mess," she hissed up at him.

"Why did you come with me? If I am such a piece of scum to you? If you have no faith in me?" He sighed, fingers itching to reach out to her again. Her presence was like a magnet.

"Like I said, you didn't give me much of a choice. You found me in the force, there is no where in the galaxy I could go to escape-"

"No I didn't." He cut her off, tilting his head a fraction of an inch. "I tracked your ship, as soon as that piece of junk was in range of our sensors I was alerted to it's presence."

Her brow furrowed in confusion. He almost regretted revealing that information, maybe it was better that she thought she would never be able to escape him. Perhaps now that it was already done, it would allow her some trust in him.

"We are meant to be together, the force has willed it," he said softly. Her unfocused gaze zeroed in on his lips as he spoke.

"I would like to get some rest," she whispered, dragging her gaze over his face and up to his eyes. "I've had a long day. We aren't going to see eye to eye tonight."

He nodded tersely, stepping away from her and turning towards his bedroom. "I'll have a service droid bring a change of clothes for you." When the doors slid open to reveal his bed and he felt her freeze in the common room before entering his bedchamber, it finally sank in that she wasn't simply a part of his fantasies. This was the real Rey. The Rey that would never sleep in the same bed as a monster. In his mind this was already a foregone conclusion, they belonged to each other, he had been so deep in his own delusions that he had forgotten reality.

"Ben, this is where you sleep." Her stern voice in this intimate setting sent chills down his spine.

"I don't trust any of my officers, and I certainly don't trust you not to cause trouble for me. I'm not letting you out of my sight." He shrugged and sat on the corner of his bed, reaching down to tug off his boots.

"What happened to you treating me like a guest? Do all of your guests sleep in your bed?" She spit her words at him and he felt his cock stirring to life in his pants. He could never reveal to her how much pleasure he found in her anger so he kept his face an impassive mask.

"Only if they prove themselves worthy," he offered and twitched his lips in an approximation of a smirk. Her expression morphed from disgusted to affronted and she crossed her arms tightly across her chest, it was almost a protective gesture.

"I would rather sleep on the floor," she bit back.

"Be my guest," he gestured to the unforgivably hard durasteel floor.

She huffed in annoyance and color began to rise in her cheeks as he tossed his gloves onto an end table and started tugging his tunic over his head.

She turned on her feet and marched back into the common area, she chose the chair he had previously occupied and curled into a tight ball upon it. The chair made to fit his size appeared to engulf her.

From his point of view on the bed, he would be able to see her back while she slept if he left the door to his room open. This would have to do for now until he could win her trust. In any case, the door to his chambers was locked from both sides with an encryption key only he could access so she wouldn't be able to escape even if she wanted to.

He switched off the lighting in the room and now they were illuminated only by starlight pouring in through the various view ports.

Lately he struggled to fall asleep with the deafening silence in his own mind. He had never been without a master. He had never, ever been truly alone in his own head. Now, with her close by, the silence was less crippling than usual. He allowed his bed, and sleep, to engulf him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope these dialogue-heavy chapters aren't too monotonous and boring. I promise there will be some action in the next chapter.
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Find me on tumblr - "edawn"


	7. Tempestuous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last week there were some posts going around tumblr about the pop singer Halsey tweeting that one of her songs, 'Control', reminded her of Ben Solo. I've been listening to that song non-stop all week and getting major inspiration from it. The album that it is on is called 'Badlands' and the whole thing has some great Reylo vibes, I would highly recommend it.

Kylo awoke with a start. He had a sense that he had been dreaming, perhaps having a nightmare, but it lurked fuzzily around the edges of his memory and he couldn't recall what it was about. He looked over to his console for the ship's time and it was still the middle of the night.

He rolled on to his side to attempt to capture some more sleep when he noticed that Rey was no longer curled up into a ball in his armchair.

The armchair sat there, glaringly empty, the outer wraps Rey wore were balled up on the arm rest as if she had tried to use them as a pillow. He vaulted out of his bed, grabbing a shirt and tugging it on, and immediately made for the common room. He glared around and didn't find any sign of her. The console by the door that led out to his audience chamber didn't appear to be tampered with so he set out to check each room one by one.

When he reached his training room, he found her making a downright abysmal attempt at practicing jedi forms. Her center of balance was off and she wobbled on her feet as she transitioned from the second form into the third. He couldn't help but take time to admire her attempt before clearing his throat and alerting her to his presence. She stumbled forward and looked over her shoulder to glare at him.

"Skywalker must have become very feeble in his old age if he wasn't even able to teach you basic forms in your time with him." Kylo crossed his arms across his chest and examined her critically.

"I didn't learn this from him," she snapped at him. "I am teaching myself, from books."

"Books?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, the Jedi texts. I stole them from Luke." She jutted her chin out at him as if she was challenging him to comment on her theft. That certainly piqued his interest. "Before you get any ideas about destroying them, they are somewhere safe and far away from here." She turned back away from him and put all of her energy in trying to bend her body into a pathetic imitation of the fourth form.

"Why aren't you sleeping? You couldn't have gotten more than an hour or two of rest." He approached her cautiously.

"You try sleeping in that chair. My neck is killing me."

"You didn't have to sleep in the chair," he said in a low voice. He was standing next to her now and he caught a glimpse of her profile, he could have sworn he saw her roll her eyes.

She slowly lifted her foot to the inside of her thigh with a bent knee in approximation of the fifth form. He couldn't take it any longer, she was better than this.

He moved behind her and grabbed her hips in his hands. She yelped and made to squirm away but he steadied her.

"Relax, I'll show you," he whispered. He tugged her hips back and angled them down. He slid one of his hands up her back and pressed gently between her shoulder blades to bend her upper body forward. She shivered in his grip. The way her clothes tightened over her body, no longer covered up by the cumbersome wraps she wore, as she leaned forward in front of him made him shift his hips away from her. There was a rush of warmth to his groin and didn't want her to cut him off from touching her so soon.

"Keep your center of balance as low as possible, it will keep you steady." He moved both hands back to her hips and softly pushed towards the ground, her knees bent and her posture loosened somewhat.

It had been so long since he had practiced the jedi forms, a flood of memories poured into him from nowhere. Practicing forms with the other students. Master Luke scolding him for adding his own interpretation to the moves.

"Good," he encouraged her, his mouth close to her ear.

He dropped one hand down to the thigh of her bent leg and slipped his grip to cup the back of her leg, dangerously close to the curve of her bottom. She gasped and narrowed her eyes at him, turning her head out of the form.

"This is purely academic," he couldn't keep the smirk out of his voice. "Watch." He guided her leg in his grip so her thigh was parallel to the floor, using his other hand on her hip to steady her as she assumed the next form. The fingers of his hand were painfully close to her center, the skin beneath her leggings was warm. It would only take a slip of his hand to be exactly where he wanted to be. She was so small in his grip.

She kept her head forward now, but she was smiling. The forms fell into place for her, she transitioned to the next form on her own. He didn't want to release her, but he no longer had an excuse to touch her that she would accept and he let his hands drop away. He took a step back to watch.

"Thank you," she whispered it as if she didn't want him to actually hear. "I would have never gotten this from the book."

"It's not difficult if you have a teacher," he murmured.

Her posture stiffened and it was as if she suddenly remembered who she was with. She dropped out of the form into her normal stance and turned to face him.

"Ben..." She trailed off and folded her hands together in front of her.

"Let's not discuss it now." He waved a hand dismissively and turned towards a display of sparring weapons. "Let's fight."

He grabbed two wooden staffs and tossed one to her. He half expected her to reject his offer, it wasn't very jedi-like to spar for fun when she clearly had pent up aggression to take out on him. She plucked the staff out of the air and spun it around tentatively, testing it's weight in her hands.

What he really wanted was to see the re-made Skywalker lightsaber in action but he didn't dare suggest they fight with light sabers when things between them were so _tempestuous_.

They were both dressed for sleep, barefoot and vulnerable. He didn't have his customary cloak or cowl and she looked so small without her usual wraps.

She dropped into a defensive stance, low and on the balls of her feet. He approached her with his usual confident, long strides. She brought her staff up to block his first strike and they easily fell into the rhythm of the fight.

Her eyes were constantly darting around, looking for any openings or weaknesses she could exploit to strike him. He kept his eyes on her face, trying to anticipate her moves. She managed to land a strike on him across his lower back as he spun to avoid a lunging move he thought she was about to make. The smug look on her face made him re-double his efforts.

He pushed into her space, leading her back towards the wall. She tried to sidestep him but he swiped beneath her feet, forcing her to jump backwards further.

When she realized that he was backing her into the wall, she narrowed her eyes and pushed forward in a quick burst of movement. He blocked most of her strikes but she got him across the knuckles with a direct hit and almost made him lose his grip.

He managed to get her close enough to the wall that it impeded her range of movement. He swept his weapon up with as much strength as he dared and knocked the staff clean out of Rey's hands. She scrambled for it but he knocked it aside before she could grab it.

His staff pressed across her chest and pinned her to the wall. He kept a safe distance between their bodies but they were both panting with the exertion of the quick fight and the air between them felt _warm_.

"Yield," he breathed down at her. The way her breasts pressed against his staff on every inhale of breath nearly made him let his guard down.

In the dirty holovids he favored, this was the part where the two characters fall into each other's embrace. One character has another pinned and their fighting turns to something much more primal. This wasn't a dirty holovid though, and Rey wasn't going to let him off that easy.

"We're not done yet," she snarled back. She brought her knee up quickly and for a split second he thought she was going for a cheap shot to his groin. He released one of his hands on the staff to block her movement towards his most precious body part but she surprised him by lashing out with a kick to the inside of his knee.

The short stumble backwards that her kick caused gave her all the space she needed to immediately pivot into another kick towards the remaining hand on his staff. He saw her move only a second too late and she managed to knock the staff clean out of his hand.

She surprised him again by not lunging towards her discarded staff, but instead she lunged towards him. She tucked her shoulder down and rammed into the soft part of his stomach before he had a chance to defend against the attack. She knocked him backwards onto his ass and she tumbled forward along with him, knocking the wind completely from his chest.

Her thighs straddled his and she landed a few punches into his stomach before he was able to grab her by the upper arms and drag her up his body, holding her to his chest and stopping the attack. Her eyes were wide and had a crazed look in them.

"Let go!" She yelled and twisted her body to try and slip out of his grip on her upper arms. Fingers dug into his sides like claws but he didn't release her. "Let go of me, you monster!"

"Shhh," he whispered. He tried to get an arm around her waist to steady her body but she thrashed and bucked against him in an attempt to throw his arms off.

"Fight back, you coward!"

"Not like this," he said calmly as he could while he still struggled with her.

"You killed him!" She screamed over his shoulder into the empty room, not willing to look at his face. She managed to squirm her forearms in between them and push against his chest.

The fight was draining out of her and he finally managed to get his arms around her torso, crushing her into his chest.

"Why did you kill him?" She sobbed, shoulders shaking. The struggle left her and she melted against him, finally settling into his lap and burying her face in his shoulder.

Her crying and the talk of his dead father managed to kill off any arousal he got from her squirming around in his lap. He finally had her in his arms and she was a crying mess.

"Answer me," she hissed into his shirt. He felt the dampness spreading on the thing material in the spot where she ducked her head.

"It was a mistake," he bit out. She stilled, listening. "I thought it would make me stronger. It didn't. Is that what you want to hear? That I regret it?"

"I can't tell if you regret killing your father, or if you regret doing something that upsets me because I'm some kind of means to an end for you." She leaned back in his lap and looked him straight on. Her eyes were red but clear and her face was a mask. He dropped his arms to his sides so he was no longer holding her.

"I don't need to justify my feelings to you." He schooled his voice to be level and assured.

"I just want to understand," she whispered, enunciating each word in frustration.

"My master commanded it of me. He told me the act would give me strength beyond my wildest dreams. I believed him." His hands were balled into fists at his side. He pushed them into the ground and leaned back from her. The fact that she hadn't immediately jumped off his lap didn't go unnoticed.

"Why didn't you fight it? You knew it was wrong. You knew it would just bring you pain, deep down."

He took a deep breath to center himself. He didn't want to snap at her, not now.

"You've never had a master." He spoke slow to choose his words carefully. "Sure, you were at the whim of that junk dealer on Jakku, but he wasn't your master. My whole life I've had one master or another. I was taught from a young age not to question your master, they always know what is best for you. Of course, when Luke taught me that he thought he was training me to obey himself, not Snoke. I trusted Snoke not to take me down a path that would make me weak. I was foolish."

She studied his face intently, likely looking for evidence of a lie. She shifted her weight on him and he raised a hand to steady her hip.

"You are free of him now and you still choose this life. There is so much good in you, Ben, but you still choose the dark. I cannot follow this path with you."

"Tell me what to do." His voice broke and his bottom lip quivered against his will. "I've never been without a master before. I've never even been alone inside my own head. I need you to tell me what to do, I'm so lost."

Kylo remembered how she had lifted her hands to cup Poe Dameron's face and reassure him back on Corellia. He had never wanted something so badly in his life as he wanted her hands on his face now. She stared at him, perfectly still.

"I can't tell you that," she whispered. "You can't just replace your master with me, Ben. You have to decide what is the right way forward on your own. It all means nothing if you are just doing what I tell you."

"I need your help," he begged. He brought both hands back to her hips, not caring if he scared her way. He was desperate. He _needed_ her.

"I can only help you find balance," she murmured. "I can't undo the wrongs you've done for you."

He gripped her tighter. He had to resist the urge to grind her down on him, he was growing hard again and she hadn't yet noticed, she was perched on his thighs and would only be able to tell if she slid forward just an inch or so.

"I will think about it," he conceded. He thought of those force visions they shared of the other lives they could have lived. There had to be more than just that, there was another way.

"Thank you, Ben." She smiled at him and his lungs seemed to abruptly run out of air. She had never directed a smile at him before.

She slid backwards off his lap and finally got to her feet. If she looked down at him now his erection would be painfully obvious, and oh, how he wanted her to.

She turned to leave without looking back at him.

"Rey," he spoke before he was even sure what he was going to say. "You can sleep in my bed tonight. Without me. I have some things to attend to."

"Thank you," she said with that open and sincere voice of hers before exiting the training room.

He took a moment to compose himself before heading to the fresher for a cold shower.

After he was dressed and had a much needed cool off, he headed out from his quarters. When he punched in the code to leave he thought he felt her reach out to him in the force. Did she want him to stay? Then the feeling was gone. He let out a resigned sigh before stepping through the doorway. He made sure it was locked behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even tell you how badly I wanted to write this chapter from Rey's perspective, but I don't want to give away too much of what she is thinking yet so here is another Kylo/Ben chapter. I hope you all still enjoyed it!
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Find me on tumblr - "edawn"


	8. A Message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter a lot quicker than I thought I would be able to, so here is another update!
> 
> Thanks for reading. x

Laying in Ben's bed was discomforting. The hard bed was more than adequate for someone who was accustomed to sleeping on the ground or in a metal ship bunk. Rey's discomfort was more closely tied to the feeling of being in _his_ space. She wondered if this is how he saw her that night they were connected through the force while they both slept.

The heat of his hands still lingered on her body, ghostly hand prints on her skin. She hadn't expected him to touch her so casually. When he spoke to her it was in that low voice of his, but when he touched her his voice was different... less restrained. She didn't want to think about what it meant, if it meant anything at all. She certainly didn't want to think about how it made her feel. The explosion of warmth low in her belly and the flood of dampness between her legs when he touched the back of her thigh nearly made her lose her balance. She couldn't afford distractions like that, not in enemy territory. Not anywhere.

She tracked his movements around his quarters. It was so difficult to relax when he was around. In some ways his presence soothed her riotous mind, in other ways he put her on edge. She constantly felt vulnerable around him, not an emotion she was used to allowing herself.

When he was done in the fresher he made his way through the common room and towards the door that would take him out of his quarters entirely and on to the rest of the ship.

Now was her chance. She reached out with the force, ever so gently. The brush into his mind was a delicate surgery, only skimming the very top of his consciousness, any deeper and he would notice the intrusion. It was entirely likely that he did notice her presence and wrote it off as her simply attempting to gauge his emotions.

Rey found what she needed and backed out of his head as quickly as possible. She held her breath, waiting. Waiting for him to barge in to the room and demand she explain why she was in his head. Maybe he wouldn't even do her the courtesy of demanding anything of her, maybe he would just pin her down and delve into her mind himself. She couldn't allow the gentle way he touched her to soothe her into a false sense of security around him.

When she heard the door slide shut and felt his presence recede down the corridor outside, she let out her breath on a shaky exhale. He didn't notice or didn't care, either way, she had done it.

She jumped out of his bed, ignoring the musky scent that she had begun to associate with him as it swirled around her. She padded on bare feet quickly across the room and tapped the wall console.

A prompt for an encryption key popped up and she typed in the key that she had just plucked from Ben's mind. Thankfully Ben wasn't paranoid enough to use separate encryption for his locks and console. She followed the next prompt with the secondary pass code in the two-factor authorization sequence and then she was in.

The First Order database was all but at her fingertips. There was bound to be sensitive information behind even higher security that she wouldn't be able to access without diving deeper into Ben's mind, but she could access basic plans and orders.

She poked around carefully, not wanting to dive right in and raise any red flags or draw attention to this terminal. If she was prompted for another encryption key or pass code and then backed out, it could alert someone in the security center and she would be exposed.

Finally, she found what she was looking for. A map of the First Order's planned movements in the outer rim. Getting this map into resistance hands would allow Leia much more freedom of movement without the constant fear of being discovered. They would be able to re-supply, re-fuel, and recruit all throughout the outer rim territory.

Rey quickly downloaded the map and a small data stick was ejected from the console. She tucked it into her belt and secured it carefully.

Next, she brought up a map of the Finalizer. She wouldn't be able to send any communications to the outer rim from this terminal without it being flagged or, at the very least, noticed. If she could make it down to the communications level a few floors down, she could access a secured comms line and send it to the Falcon. If it did end up being intercepted, it wouldn't give away the location of the base. She would have to do it before the Falcon made it back to the base or the risk would be too great.

After locking down the console and making sure nothing looked out of place, she jogged out of the room and began to look for the nearest service hatch she could use to sneak down to the lower levels. She already knew the Finalizer wasn't much different in layout from the old Imperial star destroyers that laid in ruins back on Jakku, finding her way around should be the easy part.

*

Kylo made his way to the bridge.

Typically, he didn't like to spend his time on the bridge. That was Hux's domain and he avoided the red headed cretin at all costs. Lately, however, Kylo felt that dropping in unannounced kept his officers on their toes. The fact that it was the middle of the shift that Kylo typically spent sleeping would be an added element of surprise.

When he arrived, all of his underlings snapped to attention. He waved a hand to release them from the salute and made his way to stand alongside the captain in command wordlessly.

He observed operations, taking everything in. Occasionally reaching out with the force to feel around in the minds of his faithful officers. Usually the overwhelming fear they felt for him drowned out everything else in their conscious minds. Even the captain stood stock still, occasionally glancing at read outs on his data pad, but otherwise trying not to draw attention to himself.

Kylo thought back to what Rey had said about fear. This fear felt safe, it was a barrier between him and his subordinates. They feared him, so they obeyed him. The only thing that nagged at him was the fact that they couldn't possibly maintain this high level of fear. When he was absent from their immediate presence, surely they relaxed. He couldn't spend his entire rule hovering over everyone's shoulders.

Would the fear he induces reach into their minds when he was asleep? Would it reach them when he was on another ship? In another system? Would it be enough?

He felt his stomach clench in uncertainty. His palms were sweaty inside his gloves.

"Captain Peavey," Kylo addressed the man at his side, "have you received any reports on the reconstruction of the Supremacy?"

"Not since yesterday, Supreme Leader. The last report we received indicated that both of the largest portions of the ship have now been received at the ship yards orbiting Coruscant and reconstruction efforts are underway." The man spoke with a crisp accent and a stiff upper lip.

Kylo didn't have any fondness for this particular captain, apart from their shared dislike of General Hux. Captain Peavey had a dog-like obedience to authority, he was a relic from the time of the Empire and was certainly happy enough to assume his position as captain in the early days of the First Order.

"Do you enjoy being captain of the Finalizer, Peavey?" Kylo cocked his head towards him.

"Sir?" He looked up from his datapad with uncertainty written across his aging face. His papery skin was distinctly free of any crow's feet or laugh lines and his pale blue eyes stared at Kylo blankly.

"Captaining this ship, do you enjoy it? Does it bring you pleasure?" Kylo pressed.

"It is my life's greatest honor to serve the First Order." He replied slowly and steadily, measuring his words carefully.

"Honor is not always pleasurable," Kylo pointed out. "For example, one can see the great pleasure that Hux takes in carrying out the First Order's will on the galaxy. Would you say you have that same... _zest_ for your captaincy?"

"While I am not quite the zealot that General Hux is, I do find myself satisfied with my role within our great order." Peavey straightened his jacket proudly. There was truth in his words, but something else lingering beneath the surface. Perhaps he still wished to return to the days of the Empire. Maybe he longed for the great Darth Vader to be standing in front of him and not merely an echo, a poor substitute.

"Where is Hux? Is this not his normal shift?" Kylo looked around as if Hux would have allowed Kylo to enter his bridge without making his presence known.

"I don't know, Sir. The General commanded me to take over this shift for him." The Captain looked relieved to have Kylo's attention shifted off himself.

"Interesting." Kylo's paranoia regarding Hux had only escalated since he brought Rey on board. Now the hairs on the back of his neck were on end and he had a very bad feeling about his former counterpart.

*

Rey had finally patched into a terminal on the communications level after some clever re-wiring. She was tucked into an out of the way surveillance room. Right before the shift change she had intercepted the trooper who was set to take over this room and compelled him using the force to abandon his post and return to his quarters.

She pulled the data stick out of her belt and slid it into the terminal with a confidence she didn't feel. When the upload status bar appeared on the screen she could breathe a little easier.

While the map was uploaded into her message, she took time to write a short personal note to accompany the data. Her fingers felt grubby and filthy as they slid across the pristine console.

"Stay safe. May the force be with you." She murmured the words as she typed and imagined that Finn and Poe would read her message and be comforted that she wasn't dead or in immediate danger.

She hesitated before typing the next line. "Don't come for me."

She didn't dare writing anything else and once the map was uploaded into the message she immediately sent it off to the Falcon. The transfer completed and she pulled out the data stick and returned it to her belt, she would have to find a garbage shoot to toss it down on her way back. She shuddered to think what Ben's reaction to finding it would be.

Her heart felt light for the first time in a while, it felt like hope. Poe would be receiving the message now and forwarding it on to Leia and the others at the base. The foreknowledge of First Order movements would be invaluable to the effort. All of this wasn't for nothing.

Just as she was about to close down the console, a gloved hand clamped over her mouth. Before she could react in her own defense, a sharp prick of pain shot into her neck. A drowsy coldness quickly spread out from the pinprick on her neck and she stumbled backwards into a solid body. At first she thought it was Ben, but no, this person was all sharp edges.

Her mind was suddenly cloudy, like someone draped a sheer cloth over all of her thoughts. She felt clumsy inside her own body as she struggled away from the person who grabbed her. The person let her drop to the floor.

"Force suppressant," a voice spoke. It took her a moment to realize the voice was coming from the body that had grabbed her. She looked up to see the red headed man that had greeted them when she arrived on board with Kylo, General Hux.

She blinked up at him wearily, her mouth felt dry and her tongue heavy.

"I've had people working on this for many cycles, even before you and your boyfriend killed our true Supreme Leader, and don't think I buy for one second the story you two concocted about you killing Snoke on your own." He gave her a sharp glare. "I've been meaning to test this out, and that idiot brought the perfect test subject on board my ship." Hux waggled a small syringe in his fingers before re-capping it and tucking it into his coat.

She looked to the door and didn't understand how he could have gotten into the room without her hearing his footsteps or sensing his presence.

"It would be much more difficult to get the drop on Kylo, he is deeply paranoid and suspicious of me. You, on the other hand, are so _naive_."

White hot rage burned in her veins but she felt too empty and low on fuel to do anything about it.

"He will kill you for this," she spat out of dry lips. Rey honestly wasn't sure that Kylo would go so far as to kill the man, but the thought of it brought her so much pleasure that it truly scared her.

"He wont be able to so much as touch me once I've cut off his only source of power." Hux patted his jacket pocket where he had stored the force suppressant.

She darted forward to try and grab the man, she may not be connected to the force but she had still spent her entire life on Jakku and could hold her own in a fight.

The only problem was that she had apparently been pulling on the force her entire life because now she felt weak and feeble. The muscles she once relied on felt useless against the man who was just as tall as Ben and has apparently been meticulous about keeping up to snuff on military fitness standards. She was sleep deprived and weak but she couldn't let him take her, or kill her, without a fight.

He easily grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the nearest console. She scrambled her hands at his fingers, trying to tug them off and allow her to suck in precious air.

"Now, now, little girl, that is no way to treat a General. I can see why he has taken such a liking to you, you are a feisty one."

She kicked at his shins but he stood his ground. He dropped his free hand to drag down the front of her body, cupping each breast and tugging at her thin shirt. She glared at him. It was a moment before she realized he wasn't groping her, instead he was searching her and she felt panic rising in her throat as he got closer to the data stick.

He plucked the data stick out of her belt and held it up to her face with a look of triumph.

"What is this then?" He tucked it away into the same pocket as the syringe and loosened his hold on her neck to allow her to speak. "You might as well tell me, I will find out as soon as I take this back to my quarters."

"Kriff you," she hissed at him. He sighed and tightened his hold on her again.

"What does our dear Supreme Leader think of you sneaking around and stealing First Order data? I imagine I'm doing him a favor by catching you in the act." Hux hoisted her up a little and examined her face closely. "Or, maybe not, he seems to be in the habit lately of aiding and abetting the rebel scum he claims to hate."

Rey stopped struggling and glared at him silently. She could suck in some air through her nose, enough to keep her conscious.

"Hasn't anyone ever taught you any respect?" He murmured before bringing the hand that searched her up to her face to deliver a harsh slap. Her head snapped to the side and he dropped his hold on her neck. She fell to her knees and he squatted in front of her. He reached out and caressed the cheek he had just slapped with the same gloved hand.

She balled her hands into tight fists at her sides, waiting for the moment to lash out. He observed the gesture and laughed in her face. His breath was foul like stale portions and milk.

"You really are just like him." Hux observed her, his eyes flitting around her face. "He never knew when to give up with Snoke. He was always pushing limits. I did so enjoy watching him receive his punishments though. If there is anything that the force is good for, it's doling out pain."

"That is not how the force should be used." She couldn't identify why she felt the need to defend the force, maybe it was the imagery floating in her head of Ben being punished. She felt the need to protect him and the force from this personification of evil in front of her.

He brought his hand up again and slapped her across the other cheek, knocking her onto her hands and knees. She saw stars. Pain erupted up the side of her jaw and in her temple.

"You should really learn not to talk back," he advised. "You're going to be my prisoner for quite some time, it will be really unpleasant for you if you can't learn to control yourself."

She turned back to Hux and spat in his face with what little saliva she could come up with from her desert-dry mouth.

His pale face turned an unflattering blotchy red color and he lashed out, grabbing her neck again and dragging her against the wall until she was pinned there. His expression was crazed, he wanted her dead in that moment, she was sure of it. He tightened both hands around her neck this time, supporting her body by pinning it between his own and the wall.

Maybe he was taking out all his pent up aggression towards Kylo on her. Did he imagine it was Kylo he was choking the life out of? Or was he someone who was just as happy to choke one person as the next?

Just as she was unable to drag anymore air into her lungs and her already impaired vision was going black around the edges, she was released abruptly.

She crumpled to the ground.

The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hux is a sick freak and I love writing him. Does that make me a sick freak?
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	9. Violation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see the end of this chapter for chapter warnings.

Rey awoke in an unfamiliar bed. She stretched her body out, all the way down to her curled her toes. It was oddly comfortable, the right amount of hardness, a suitably warm blanket.

Her memories of the past few days hit her like the wall of a sand storm. She sat up with a gasp and noticed Ben perched on the side of the bed, sitting up ramrod straight, facing the wall. She was back in his chambers.

"You're awake," he said in an icy voice, not moving his head to look over at her.

"What happened?" Her voice was raspy and strained. She sat up, the blanket pooled around her waist and she was relieved that she was still dressed in her own clothes.

Her connection to the force was back, she was pleased to discover as she reached out hesitantly. Either a long amount of time had passed, or that force suppressant wasn't a very strong one.

Finally, Ben looked over at her. Except he wasn't looking at her, his eyes focused below her chin and above her collarbone. Her hands flew up to feel her neck. The flesh that met her touch was tender and sore. Her throat and face seemed to come to life with a dull, throbbing ache.

"Are you well?" He asked, still looking at her neck.

"I'll live, but what happened? Where is Hux?" She pressed him with the questions but he simply turned and stood, walking towards the exit.

"Follow me," he indicated with a gloved hand and waited for her at the door. She noticed he was dressed formally again with gloves and cape. She hadn't seen any trace of his customary mask since arriving here and for that she was grateful.

She rose from the bed, straightening her rumpled clothes as she went. She slipped into her shoes, stumbling slightly as she continued to follow him and tug them on. He led her out of his private chambers and towards the audience chamber. He didn't spare her another look on their walk. His shoulders were set in a hard line, gloved hands flexed at his sides.

When they reached the audience chamber, she saw what she was being led to.

Hux was tied to a chair near the front of the large chamber. It was positioned squarely in front of the large throne-like chair that she could only assume was meant for Ben.

She had the time to observe the room now that she hadn't before when they were only passing through. Everything was glossy black with hints of shiny chrome. Ben appeared to have abandoned the red aesthetic that Snoke was so fond of for his own, darker preferences.

The throne, for lack of a better word, at the front of the room was set against the wall. It was the solitary feature of that part of the room. The rest of the chamber opened up into stadium style seating with rows of plush chairs.

One of those chairs had been dragged forward and Hux deposited into it. A few smeared pools of liquid gleamed upon the black floor. Blood, most likely.

Hux rolled his head limply to watch them enter the room. His right eye was swollen shut, so he was only just able to observe them through a puffy left eye. His face was mottled and bruised, almost beyond recognition. Blood dribbled from his nose and the corner of his mouth. His neck was splotchy and red, likely a match in color to her own.

Ben made his way to his throne and dropped into it unceremoniously, staring silently at Hux. His expression was still frighteningly blank.

Rey schooled her reaction to the beaten man, adopting a neutral expression. She halted about halfway between the two men, standing with her hands folded behind her back and legs apart.

"What happened to him?" She questioned with a calmness she didn't feel.

"Don't be naive, it doesn't suit you." Ben snipped back at her, letting some emotion slip through his facade. She could easily imagine Ben brutalizing the man after the situation he found them in, but some perverse part of her wanted to hear Ben say it out loud.

"Well then tell me what's going to happen to him?" She hissed back, impatient with his refusal to answer questions. She twisted clammy hands together behind her.

"That depends," he drawled, sitting forward. "I want you to enter his mind. Tell me what his plans were for you. Tell me what his plans are for me."

"Surely you don't need me for that." She blanched, steadfastly not looking over at the object of their discussion lest she be tempted to do just what he was asking of her.

"Of course I don't need you to do it. I want it to be you." The corner of his mouth was upturned and his lips were slightly parted into an eager smirk. When he spoke to her, a flush rose up his neck.

"I won't. It isn't right. I will not use the force to violate this man." She crossed her arms in front of her and averted her gaze from Ben, fixing it on the far wall.

Hux made a gurgling choking noise and squirmed in his seat but they both ignored him.

Ben rose and approached her. "This isn't a man. You think I am a monster, maybe fairly so, but this is the true monster. My soul may be broken and scarred, but this is a man without a soul. Hux decimated the Hosnian system. Destroyed the rebel base on D'Qar. Tried to choke the life out of you with his bare hands."

She kept her eyes fixed forward even as Ben was at her side, now whispering in her ear the sins of his highest ranking general.

"Don't you want revenge?" He murmured, his hair falling forward and brushing her shoulder as he bent down to speak directly into her ear. "I can feel that you do."

"It isn't about what I want, it isn't right. It isn't the jedi way."

She knew any mention of the jedi would set him off, so she tensed for his rage, but it didn't come. Instead he reached a hand up to tenderly brush aside the loose hair that had fallen over her shoulder, he let his hand linger at the nape of her neck. The connection was electrical. The force sung around them, joyous for their proximity and the emotions stirring between them, feeding off each other.

"Rey, you must do this for yourself. Unlock this part of your power. The force wills it." His voice was encouraging her, a gentle teacher. The fingertips on the back of her neck felt more sinister, much more coercive than instructional.

"You mean you will it, not the force, not me." She clenched her jaw and tugged her own arms more tightly across her front.

He sighed. "Then you give me no choice."

He dropped his hand from her neck and she thought he was going to tear into Hux's mind himself. She relaxed for only a fraction of a moment before he slipped his left arm around her waist and tugged her into his body so her back was flush with his front. She gasped and squirmed to struggle out of his grasp but he held her fast and with a steel grip.

His body was bent around hers, warm and it gave way against the slight curves of her body. His cloak fluttered around both of them.

"Let go of me," she hissed, stomping one of her heels down onto his toes. He hissed in a short breath but held on strong. He tightened his grip around her waist and used the other arm to reach down and take her right fist in his hand.

"Calm down, clear your mind," he instructed in a low voice as she continued to writhe and twist. "It is only going to be painful for you if you can't center yourself, Rey. Please, let me help you."

"You aren't helping. You are forcing. Don't do this, Ben!" She was losing steam in her struggle, he wasn't going to let go of her. She would have to wait for him to let his guard down and overpower him with the force if she wanted to escape his grasp. She kept her head resolutely turned away from Hux.

Ben flattened the hand that held her against her stomach, dragging her more firmly against him. His hand was large and the heat that radiated from it burned through her clothes and warmed the skin of her lower stomach. He kept his other hand firmly wrapped around her fist.

"Do you feel how the force moves so freely between us? I've never had this with any other force user." He dropped his head down to her ear again in an attempt to soothe her. He was almost as breathless as she was after the short struggle.

"I feel it," she whispered. And she did feel it, acutely.

The energy transfer between their bodies was so fluid that she felt she could draw on his connection to the force as easily as her own. There was no other way to describe it than a single, immeasurably strong wellspring of power that existed between them. Apart they could only draw on it in small doses, but together they would have unlimited access.

"There you go," he mumbled, soothing his hand over her belly. "Do you feel that? We are centered. Together."

It felt amazing, truly humbling to have such access to the raw power of the force. She raised her free hand tentatively and covered his hand with hers, forgetting why he brought her here. Forgetting about the First Order. Forgetting about Hux. Forgetting about all of it. She was lost in the sensation.

Ben didn't forget though.

He raised the hand that held her fist, bringing her arm along with it. Before she could open her mouth to ask him what he was doing, they were tearing into Hux's mind.

She could hear Hux's screams as a fuzzy sort of background noise as they ripped into his thoughts and memories.

Perhaps Ben overshot what they were looking for with their stronger combined access to the force, because they arrived upon a memory of Hux's childhood.

A young Hux, before any growth spurts and so young and soft, unlike the Hux of today, sat at a spartan table with a book on Imperial history. His pale, round face looked thoughtfully upon the pages of words he only barely understood.

An older man entered, a face weathered beyond his years and with matching red hair to the young hux at the table.

Without a word, the man snatched the book out of the child's hands and hit him so hard with an open palm that he and the chair he sat upon clattered over sideways. He loomed over the child who was struggling to hold back tears.

"Touch my private library again, boy, and I won't be so kind as this." He tucked the book beneath his arm neatly and the memory faded away.

A new memory forms. Hux is maybe a year or so older now, though still clinging on to baby fat and not yet a man.

The older red-haired man from the last memory is laying in to a woman at his feet. She also had a baby face, but the lines around her eyes betray her age. She was maybe in her late twenties or early thirties and she wore the crisp uniform of a servant in a wealthy household.

The man was screaming at her, intelligible and expletive laced. She was sobbing, crawling on the floor towards the young Hux. She reached out towards him with a shaking hand and a beseeching, scared expression twisting her features.

The older man brought his boot down on her arm, grinding it into the floor with a sickening crunch. Young Hux stood stock still, staring down in horror. After a moment, he averted his eyes and schooled his expression until it was neutral and unconcerned.

The memory faded and more memories came, faster now. Rey and Ben tore through all of his private moments and formative experiences without grace or subtlety.

Eventually, they arrived at what Ben was looking for.

Hux planned with the other generals and admirals to overthrow Ben. He brought his force suppressant research to a meeting and shared his plan to contain their Supreme Leader and eventually execute him publicly for crimes against the First Order.

Hux had funded a private team of researchers to develop the force suppressant way back, even before the hunt for the map to Skywalker. At the first sign of friction between Hux and Ben, Hux wanted to have a secret weapon, something that would eventually allow him to take the upper hand if he needed it. Even Snoke himself had not discovered the existence of the research.

Only recently was the suppressant discovered, after his researchers scoured the galaxy listening to local myths and legends about plants and animals that had the power to subdue the Jedi and Sith. They located the Ysalamir lizard of the planet Myrkr. The lizards had the ability to project a force neutralizing field around themselves. Hux's researchers took the lizards, slaughtering them and researching their anatomy to distill the suppressant directly from the animal into an injectable that could be used on a force sensitive individual.

Ben shoved that information aside and went back to the memory of the meeting with the other high ranking officers.

Rey could feel the way he carefully combed through the memory with painstaking attention to detail. He took the time to study every man and woman's face who schemed against him. Rey didn't need to see into his mind to know what he planned for those that plotted to overthrow him.

When he was done, Ben pulled them both out of Hux's mind and Hux's screams flooded back into her ears in stereo sound.

Both Ben and Rey were gasping for breath. He still held her tight to him and she pushed off of him roughly, causing him to stumble back a few steps in his stupor.

"What is wrong with you?!" She rounded on him, her shouting replacing Hux's screams as they died down.

"That was unbelievable," he said between deep breaths. "There is nothing that can be hidden from our joined powers." He shoved both hands into his hair, eyes darting around in disbelief. He didn't seem particularly disturbed either at her ire or at the revelations they found inside Hux's mind.

"I will never join my powers with yours again, you are truly twisted. I can't believe I thought I could learn to trust you." She was shaking, her rage threatening to erupt out of her.

His eyes focused on her and he saw the state she was in, he flattened his expression of dazed disbelief.

"Would you punish me for my transgression against you?" He spoke in a low, steady voice that unnerved her. His eyes were open and almost _pleading_.

"That is what you would like, isn't it? This entire thing has been an exercise in getting me to tap into the dark side. You already knew what we would find in Hux's head, it wasn't necessary to rip him open like that." She crossed her arms defensively, taking a half step back as he stepped toward her again.

"I suspected," he admitted. "Though I did need to know who was in on it with him, now I know."

"Ben, you need to either let me go or kill me, the time for compromise is over. We can never work together, I will never trust you." She pushed all of her turmoil and pain into her words, trying to make him see.

"I would never kill you," he hissed. His face lit up with rage at the thought.

"Then let me go," she pleaded.

"Rey, I feel the conflict within you." He fell to his knees before her. She tried to step back from the unexpected action but he reached out and grabbed her hip before she could. Even kneeling he had enough leverage to drag her to him. He buried his face in her stomach where he had held her earlier. His arms were draped around her waist so they were loose enough for her to get away.

"Ben..." she struggled to keep up her anger when the Supreme Leader of the First Order was on his knees, clutching at her like a safety blanket. Her arms hovered at her sides, not wanting to give in to him. "My conflict isn't between the dark and the light. It's between my hope for you and my acceptance of the reality of the situation. I don't want to give up, but I don't sense that you will be able to find balance."

"It is too late for me to return to the light," he murmured into her shirt.

"It's not."

"My time as Supreme Leader is coming to an end." This was just a whisper, she almost thought she misheard. "I won't be able to hold on to power if I take out all of those who have conspired against me. I think I've known this for a while now. The Order will be fractured, there will be infighting and power struggles. I won't command a fleet, maybe a ship at best."

"What are you saying?" She allowed herself to grip his shoulders.

"I thought maybe with you at my side I could cling to power... but now that I see how deep and wide the deceit runs within the ranks... all hope is lost." He gripped her harder, nearly lifting her feet off the ground.

"Let's leave, Ben. We could go to Leia and-"

"NO." He cut her off at the mention of his mother. "No... not there. Can't we just go? Together? We could go anywhere, start a new life."

"I can't. I need to help my friends. Even a fractured Force Order will still want to wipe them out." She squeezed his shoulders gently.

"You would choose them over me? Over that power that we shared?"

"My friends don't force me to use dark side techniques and keep me captive," she bit out.

"Then come with me just at first... I will need help. Then return to them. Please, Rey. I can't do this on my own." He finally looked up at her. The pout of his lips and warmth in his eyes nearly broke her.

This was the Ben she had been waiting for.

"Fine," she said on an exhale. She wasn't sure she knew the first thing about rehabilitating dark lords, but she would try for him.

He pushed himself up to his feet, finally releasing his hold on her.

"Thank you," he dropped a chaste kiss on her forehead and she recoiled. He didn't have the grace to look embarrassed about it. "Just one thing to take care of first."

He turned from her and approached Hux, appraising him for a moment before reaching out with the force and snapping his neck with a twitch of his fingers. Hux's lifeless body slumped even further in the chair than his mostly unconscious one had done.

Rey gasped, actually bringing a hand to cover her mouth in horror.

And there, Kylo Ren still lurked beneath the surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: child abuse, domestic abuse, violence against a child, violence against a woman.
> 
> Bet you didn't expect me to give you guys that tiny dose of sympathy for Hux, did you? Suckers!
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Find me on tumblr - "edawn"


	10. Her Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. 1000 kudos. I am shook. I seriously can't believe the support, kudos, comments, and kind messages everyone has sent my way. You are all amazing, every single one of you! I never expected my silly little story to get any kind of attention, my heart feels so warm. And my husband is such a sweet dork, he brought me home one of those mini ice cream cakes from Carvel with '1000' on it last night.

Kylo settled into the pilot's chair in his upsilon class command shuttle. He flexed gloved hands over the controls nervously.

So far, nothing had been identified as amiss. The officers who plotted to overthrow him were not yet aware of Hux's death or Kylo's plan to abscond from the First Order with Rey. The miscellaneous stormtroopers marching through the hangar were going about their day without any idea that their Supreme Leader was abandoning the cause and they would soon be plunged into civil war on all fronts.

"Ready?" Rey asked in a crisp voice as she slid into the co-pilot's chair.

He nodded tersely and began the start up sequence, his hands flying over the controls with practiced ease.

They stashed Hux's body in his quarters while they gathered all the supplies that they needed.

Rey was... less than happy with him. He didn't understand why she, of all people, would be upset about Hux's death. He had trouble understanding what she wanted from him, maybe that was something she would be able to teach him in their time together.

For now, they were in somewhat of a rush. The longer Hux was missing, the greater the chance of him being discovered dead and their plan being ruined. They worked quickly, gathering everything they needed and making their way to the hangar with his shuttle. Kylo was dead on his feet and he could only imagine that Rey was as well. Dark bags were forming under her eyes, marring her otherwise smooth skin.

Kylo had alerted the bridge that he was going on a short reconnaissance mission and would be back in less than a cycle. Hux's body would be discovered before then and pieces would start to fall into place, but it bought them some time to get away from the Core and the First Order.

He held his breath as they maneuvered out of the Finalizer into open space and extended the massive wings of the shuttle. He had considered taking a smaller, faster ship to carry them away, but the shuttle was equipped with fortified defenses and heavy laser cannons that might prove useful when they made it to the outer rim territories.

On the plus side, he had his command shuttle outfitted with modest living quarters for long missions so they would have someplace to sleep and live for the foreseeable future. Something Kylo never imagined himself having to worry about.

When he began to type the coordinates to an outer rim trading post into the ship, he figured they would need to re-stock and find information on a place to hide out once they reached the outer rim, Rey swatted his hands away.

"I have coordinates to a place we can hide," she muttered and typed them in with swift movements. He looked at her out of the side of his eye.

"Not with the resistance," he clarified.

"No, alone." She nodded as if affirming their solitude to herself and he found he couldn't argue, he didn't have any ideas so it looked like following her lead was the plan.

He engaged the hyperdrive and the shuttle was ushered into the familiar tunnel of stars silently. She frowned out the viewport. Maybe she was used to a much louder and altogether more perilous jump to hyperspace aboard that piece of junk she was so fond of flying around in.

"We have a few standard days before we reach these coordinates, the hyperdrive on a ship like this isn't really built for long journeys." He sank back into the captain's chair and ran a shaky hand through his hair.

"Right." She didn't look at him.

"I need to warn the Knights of Ren." Kylo broached the subject in a low, hesitant voice. "They could be vulnerable to the force suppression. Once the officers realize I'm gone... they will go after the knights next. The knights are loyal to me above all else."

Rey sat quietly, eyes still ahead on the viewport. He thought for a second her silence was her way of granting him passive permission to reach out to his knights, but then she spoke.

"How much do you really trust them?" She finally turned towards him, her face was drawn and she chewed her lip nervously.

"With my life," he said instantly. "They are scattered across the galaxy, each of them stationed alone with a high ranking First Order officer. I need to warn them to go into hiding."

He felt a personal responsibility for their safety. A smaller part of him recognized that if he left them to die and any of them made it out alive, they would make it their life's mission to hunt him down and enact revenge.

"If any of them betray you, we won't make it out of the Core."

"They wouldn't dare." He switched the controls over to autopilot and applied the settings that would alert him of anything out of the ordinary. "They hate the First Order in any case, it was a means to an end for them."

"A means to what end?" She crinkled her nose in confusion.

"Power." He shrugged and stood up from the chair. The corners of her mouth turned down into that familiar frown.

She turned back to study the controls and familiarize herself with the ship.

"I'm going to send out a coded message to the knights. Then I'm going to sleep for as long as my body allows." He didn't appreciate her looking at the console while he spoke to her. "You're welcome to join me."

"I'll sleep in the crew's cabin, I saw a few bunks back there."

"You'll be uncomfortable, those aren't for long term habitation." His voice was clipped and revealed his impatience. She remained unfazed.

"I'll live," she said lightly and kept her attention forward on the controls.

He took a few steps out of the cockpit and turned back to her once more. He gripped the door frame for support, it creaked under his hand.

"You know, you talk of trust." His voice came out calmer than he felt. He watched as the set of her shoulders tensed. "You want to know who I trust, but all the while you are the one working against me. Do you think that Hux didn't sing to me about the datastick as I beat him? Do you think I forgot that Hux only got his hands on you because you were actively betraying me?"

"I wasn't working against you, I was working against the First Order," she hissed over her shoulder.

"I _AM_ the First Order," he yelled at her, bringing a fist up to slam against his chest. An angry, red flush flooded his face.

"You _were_ the First Order," she said gently as she finally turned the co-pilot's chair to face him. "Now you are just Ben, on the run with Rey. We are in this together, you can trust me."

He set his mouth in a hard line.

"It's really you that can't be trusted," she continued, a new sharpness in her voice. "You are impulsive and irrational and volatile. You are constantly trying to trick me, or force me to be something I'm not."

"That's rich coming from you!" He barked out a harsh laugh. "You want me to become a slave to the light, to give up all of my power and grovel for forgiveness for the things I've done."

"You know very well that isn't what I want," she snapped, standing up from her chair to yell up him. "You lulled me into a false sense of security, showed me the power of our combined forces, and you forced me to use the dark side to infiltrate someone's mind!"

"I will do it again," he hissed, stepping forward quickly. He closed the space between them and grabbed her by her upper arms to draw her up against him. Maybe he grabbed her to show her the power of the force between them, maybe it was just an excuse to touch her again. The power flowed and swirled in the small sliver of space that existed between their bodies. "This power we share shouldn't be wasted. I'm trying to make you more powerful, Rey."

He shifted his grip on her arms and she shifted against him, her little feet scrambling against the floor to find purchase.

"And I'm just trying to do whatever I think is the right thing. We can use this power for good or not at all." She tilted her head, studying his face. "I can't trust you until you respect my choice."

"I will _never_ respect weakness," he whispered fiercely, his lips wrapping around each word. She was warm in his hands, her flesh soft and pliable beneath his fingertips. Her face looked tired.

"Then we are at an impasse," she sighed. She wiggled her body backwards out of his grasp and he let her go without a struggle. Cold, dead air flowed between them at the loss of contact.

He clenched and unclenched his hands in the space where he held her. "Will you still come with me? Wherever we are going?"

After everything, he still wouldn't be able to do it without her. He has never taken care of himself before. A very selfish and very large part of him would never stop wanting her for himself, their power felt natural when it pooled between them, they belonged together.

"For a little while." She sounded defeated. Her shoulders curled forward and she slinked past him out of the cockpit. "I need sleep."

He heard her open the hatch to the crew's bunks and slip inside, closing it behind her. He imagined that she locked it as well, lest he sneak into her bed in the middle of her slumber. No matter how much animosity and mistrust there was between them, they both knew that he didn't have very good judgement when it came to her.

Time passed, tensions didn't ease.

She spent most of her waking hours familiarizing herself with the systems of the shuttle. When he awoke in the morning she would already be removing wall panels and sprawled out on her stomach or her back with her upper body twisted and jammed inside the small service hatches.

They fell into a strange sort of domesticity. He would make sure she ate enough rations and she would sit in the cockpit for hours on end monitoring any ships that came within twenty parsecs of them as they trundled along through hyperspace.

She didn't talk to him much. It was probably for the best, he was still grappling with his new position in life. It was hard to come to terms with his abdication of power. A few days ago he was Supreme Leader of the largest superpower in the galaxy, now he was no better than a common outlaw.

He itched to touch her whenever she was near. He craved that power that came with her touch, and he also simply craved her. He couldn't help but wonder if she heard him at night when he touched himself to thoughts of her. He didn't even bother closing his door, but she never wandered past. Maybe she knew.

The morning that they finally hit the outer rim and began to make their way to Rey's coordinates, he examined himself in the mirror in the cramped fresher and decided it was time for a shave. His jaw line was covered in a rough stubble from days of neglect.

He tugged his tunic over his head to avoid getting it wet and hung it neatly over the towel rack. He took his time lathering up his face, enjoying the manual process. Normally he would have a personal grooming droid to do this for him with an electrical razor. He hadn't actually shaved with a blade since before his time with the First Order.

Carefully, he extracted the sharp single blade from the personal hygiene kit and raised it to his neck. An intrusive thought invaded his mind and he imagined slitting his own throat, the vision was brief but he had to shake his head to rid himself of the image.

"Stop." Rey's voice startled him nearly enough to cut himself but he yanked the blade away from his neck and looked over at her sharply. He wondered how long she had lurked in the hallway watching him, he was surprised that he hadn't sensed her there.

"What?"

"You should let it grow in," she explained. "It would eventually cover most of your scar, make you less recognizable."

Hair didn't grow over his scar tissue but when he had a full enough beard that wouldn't matter. She had a point. He pondered his reflection. The creamy white foam beard did obscure a lot of his face.

"Okay." He set down the blade on the edge of the sink and grabbed a towel to wipe the shaving cream away.

"You should also let me give you a hair cut, the shorter the better. Anything we can do to change your appearance."

"Absolutely not," he whipped his head over to her and looked down at her in horror. "Don't come near my hair."

"Are you that vain that you would risk your life for your hair?" She crossed her arms casually across her stomach and smirked up at him.

"It's not about the hair," he hissed, finishing wiping off his face in a huff and throwing down the towel.

"Then what is it about?" Her lips were parted and she looked distracted by something. He felt a surge of warm pride flood his stomach, he thought she was done being distracted by his bare chest but apparently it was still disarming enough for the holy jedi Rey.

She reached out, her hand hesitating for just a moment about halfway between them. Two fingers pressed against his left pectoral muscle and he sagged forward slightly into her touch. She swept the fingers across his muscle, grazing over his nipple and forcing him to stifle a whimper. They came away with a dollop of shaving cream that she held up to show him, avoiding his eyes. She wiped the cream on a nearby hand towel.

He studied her quietly. She was wearing black leggings and a simple grey tunic that was slightly too large for her and sagged off her right shoulder. He tried to grab an assortment of styles and sizes of clothes for the both of them from a First Order laundry room when they were on their way off the Finalizer. He must have misjudged how small she really was.

A streak of grease curled along her jaw and he wanted to reach out and wipe it away as she had done for him with the shaving cream but he was afraid to spook her. He was enjoying the closeness of the moment and knew if he tried to touch her in return she would likely run and hide.

"The ears," he whispered.

"Huh?" Her face screwed up in adorable confusion.

"It isn't about the hair, it's about the ears." He reached up and roughly pushed back his hair to show her his left ear.

Her face still looked confused as she studied his ear and then it all seemed to fall into place and her mouth split into the most radiant smile he had ever witnessed. The smile that was almost ruined by the riotous laughter that followed it.

"The great Kylo Ren is self conscious of his ears," she said between wheezing laughs. Her whole body was practically doubled over in hysterics and he glowered down at her. "They are some ears, that's for sure."

"Just forget I mentioned it," he hissed and tried to shove past her through the narrow door.

"Wait, wait, Ben, I'm sorry." Her apology was negated by her continued laughter. The only thing that stopped him was her refusal to move out of his way.

"Laugh it up," he muttered.

She sobered but her wide smile was still blinding him, he averted his eyes.

"They aren't so bad, I was just teasing." She reached up and mussed his hair with both of her hands. He leaned into the touch against his better judgement. She carded her fingers through his hair and tucked it neatly behind both ears.

They were standing close now from his attempts to get past her. The tips of her breasts brushed against his chest. He was frozen in place.

"I like them," the words seemed to tumble out of her smiling mouth, but she didn't look like she regretted saying it or would take it back if she could. She ran her fingers over the outer shell of his ears and the motion sent electricity down the back of his neck and his spine.

This was the kind of easy affection he craved above all else. He had spent so much of his life starved of touch that he didn't know how to react to her, but he knew he didn't want it to stop.

When she finally withdrew her hands it took all of his willpower not to grab them and put them back.

"I won't ask to cut your hair again, if you don't want." Her wide smile faded to just a tiny press of upturned lips.

She turned and disappeared down the narrow corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, how cute are Ben's ears?
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each, they give me the will to go on!
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	11. A Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all. That is all.

When they hit atmo after a smooth exit from hyperspace, Kylo got an aerial view of their destination on the planet below.

"The island." He hadn't realized he spoke out loud until he saw her shifting her eyes over to him nervously. A splotch of green in a sea of blue, the island stood out in vivid color beneath them.

She had taken up the captain's chair since she was the one familiar with where they were headed. He had the overwhelming feeling of being at her mercy with her in control. He half expected to drop out of hyperspace right on top of a resistance base and have to wrestle her for control of the ship.

"I remember this place," he murmured, "from your mind."

He thought she would be furious at the reminder of the time he invaded her mind against her will, instead she looked like she was trying to suppress the blush that was creeping up her cheeks. Her fingers flew over the controls as they headed for a narrow flat area at the edge of the island.

"At the time you saw it, it was just a vision I had. I hadn't been here yet." She dropped the shuttle down gracefully onto the grassy landing area.

"This is where Skywalker was hiding," he bit out as the realization set in. His fingers clenched tightly over the armrests of his chair. He was torn between jumping up to yell at her and starting the ship up again and flying away.

"He is gone now," she said softly. Her sad tone did nothing to calm his rage. "This is Ahch-to."

"I can't spend the rest of my days hidden away here like he did. I can't." The reality of the situation was hitting him hard. She would eventually fly away and leave him stranded here. He would live out the rest of his days a sad old hermit just like that traitorous old man he hated so much.

"Ben, this is the safest option." She spoke to him like a kriffing child, not even looking at him as she shut down the ship's systems.

"Safest for who? Me? Or the rest of the galaxy? This is a prison, Rey. You've brought me here to die." He dug his fingers deeper into the leather of the chair, the metal frame whined underneath his hands.

"You can't be out there right now, someone will recognize you. The First Order will have a massive bounty out on your head. You won't stand a chance by yourself."

He scoffed. "That is a lie and you know it. I can't be killed by some pathetic bounty hunter. You don't want me to hurt anyone else, so you plan to trap me here. I wanted to go to a space station, I could change my appearance, requisition a ship-"

"And do what?" She cut him off, finally turning to face him with her mouth set into a grim line. "What is your plan? How would you spend your days? Gambling? Smuggling? Working for criminals? I'm sorry but I just can't see the great Kylo Ren kissing the boots of some pathetic crime lord. This is better for you."

"And you know what's best for me then?"

"I know you better than anyone else in this galaxy," she shouted. She was trembling with rage as she stood up from her chair. "I'm trying to be a friend to you, you're in dangerously short supply."

"You are trying to be my new master," he hissed and leaned forward. She stumbled back half a step. "My jailer."

She stared at him with hard eyes, her jaw set.

"I killed Snoke for you. I jeopardized my entire life for you! The First Order turned on me because of it and now this is how you repay me? You're just another person in a long line of people who wanted to control me." His heart felt heavy inside his chest, like it was sinking. Rage was draining out of him only for sorrow to fill him back up.

"Ben..." She reached out a hand hesitantly but he brushed it aside with a sweep of his arm. He stood and turned to exit the cockpit, he needed desperately to get away from her. Her normally comforting presence felt _smothering_ in this tight space all of the sudden.

He knew that she always intended to go back to the resistance, but he had imagined that he would prove to her they could build a life together. Their life would be so perfect that she would choose him over the rebel scum she calls her friends. What kind of life could they possibly have on this rock?

He thought about those visions that the force showed them that night. No matter what lives they led, they always ended with them being _together_. Her flying away and abandoning him to rot on a remote planet didn't factor in to the possible outcomes.

"Don't." He pressed the release to drop the boarding ramp and took swift steps to exit the ship.

He could turn around and steal the ship once she disembarked, or he could overpower her and force her to fly away with him. But no, he would stay here, if for no other reason than maybe he deserved this. The one person he thought might actually care for him the tiniest amount thought this was the best that he could do, a life in solitary confinement.

He supposed as far as masters went, Rey was at least better than Snoke or any member of the misguided Skywalker clan. She didn't want his powers for herself, she just wanted to keep them away from the galaxy at large.

*

Rey sighed, shoulders relaxing as Ben made his exit. Admittedly, she was surprised he didn't immediately try to seize control of the ship and get them out of here.

The way that he acquiesced to her so quickly left her feeling torn. She was glad that he agreed to stay, but her heart broke for the defeated attitude he had walked away with.

She wasn't his master. She just wanted to protect him. And yes, it was an added benefit that the galaxy would also be protected from him while he was here.

After waiting a moment to allow him to distance himself from her if he needed space, she gathered up some supplies and clothes from the ship into a large canvas bag. She was overwhelmed with a wave of guilt when she uncovered the tracker bracelet that was the twin to Leai's back on Belsavis.

Back when she had decided she was going with Kylo, she deactivated her tracker and hid it in her clothes. She hadn't wanted the resistance coming after her, but she hadn't wanted to discard it either.

Her heart ached when she thought of how worried Poe and Finn and Leia all must be for her. Surely the news of Ben absconding from the First Order would have reached them by now, Ben has been radio silent for days, the First Order would have suspected something was amiss.

She made a split second decision and flipped the tracking bracelet back on. It illuminated in her palm and a soft light radiated around her in the dark ship. She squeezed her fingers around it tightly, watching the light seep through the spaces between her fingers. Now they would know she is safe.

She thought back to the message she sent from the Finalizer and hoped they would remember she asked them not to come for her. Just in case, she switched the bracelet off and tucked it safely away behind some supplies on the ship.

Finally, she headed out to the island she wasn't sure she would ever see again.

It was a bright sunny day, so unlike the gloomy day when she last left this place. An image of Luke furious with her standing in the rain flashed in her mind. She had been leaving to go to Ben then, little did she know she would be bringing him back to this very island.

Porgs were hopping around the entrance, peering curiously inside the ship and she shut the ramp behind her, giving them a stern look that she hoped conveyed 'keep out'. They had completely infested the falcon and she didn't want the same happening to this ship.

When she reached the small array of huts after the hike up the island, she saw Ben standing and looking quite hopeless in the middle of the makeshift village.

She brushed past him, ignoring his sullen pouting and dropped her bag at the entrance of one of the huts. The hut she had previously occupied had been completely destroyed by Luke upon discovering her force bond with Ben. She noted that the caretakers cleared away the debris as if there had never been a hut in that spot to begin with.

"First lesson: fishing." She gestured for him to follow her and, after a few moments when she thought he would stay and pout all day in a hut, he followed her.

*

Kylo knew one thing with a certainty that he rarely felt: he would die before drinking that green milk.

Rey had spent the day teaching him how to gather food and other resources from the island. She showed him how to use a small moisture farming set up that Luke had built. She showed him how to spearfish and which crustaceans were okay to eat and which weren't. She showed him those horrid sea cows and their green milk. She showed him the caretakers who seemed to have a very strong dislike of her, and by extension, him.

Mostly he stayed silent, absorbing what she showed him.

He would be alone soon. The words played on loop at the back of his mind throughout the day. Soon she would leave and he would be alone. He would spend countless mornings waking up here, alone. He would gather food, farm moisture, meditate, all alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

The air on the island cooled as the sun fell out of the sky.

"I'll show you the temple tomorrow," she said as she began to stack wood for a fire in front of her hut.

"I don't think I will have need for a jedi temple," he sneered.

Her nostrils flared but she otherwise kept her temper in check. "This island has both light and darkness, if you meditate on it you will feel it. I think the early jedi didn't focus so much on only walking the light path. They believed in balance. You could learn a thing or two from them."

"Unlikely," he insisted.

She ignored him, igniting the small fire and settling down next to it. She rubbed her hands together and held them out to absorb the warmth. His little desert rat, she couldn't stand the slightest chill.

He dropped down next to her unceremoniously.

"How long will you stay?" He muttered, eyes fixed on the flames. His fingers itched to reach out to her, but he found that his anger still hadn't abated at the thought that she would eventually abandon him here.

"A few days, I would like to do some meditation at the temple," she explained. So short a time.

Right, why would she stay for him? He glowered to himself, angling his head away from her.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence. Every silence was uncomfortable to him anymore. He was still not accustomed to being alone in his own head, and soon it would just be amplified when he was physically alone as well.

"When you were injected with force suppressant, it was like a piece of my own soul blinked out of existence. I thought you were dead." He wasn't sure why he was sharing this now. Maybe to make her realize how much he needed her without having to beg for her to stay with him like the pathetic creature he had become.

"You felt that?" She shifted next to him but he kept his gaze on the fire, not able to look at her for fear of throwing himself at her feet.

"I didn't just feel it, it tore me apart. I couldn't draw air into my lungs, my heart couldn't pump blood. I thought you were dead and I thought I was dying too. Then I found you and I knew it was temporary. When you regained your powers, I felt it inside me." He raised his fingers to firmly press into his own ribs. "I felt whole again, right here. This is where you live inside me, I think. It's your place."

He felt her tiny hand on his forearm and he finally gave in, he looked over at her and she was bathed in firelight and just as beautiful as ever.

She wrapped tiny fingers around his large hand and brought it up to her chest. She pressed his palm into her sternum, nestled between her breasts. His hand spanned across her chest, his fingers relaxed and his fingertips settled into the curve of her clavicle.

"This is where you live inside me." Her words were just a whisper but the force behind them was overwhelming.

He dipped his head forward, pressing his forehead into hers with his hand still on her chest.

"Don't leave me here, Rey," he choked out. His voice cracked and he felt tears welling in his eyes in a way that they hadn't since he was a child. He longed to crawl into her chest and truly live inside her.

"I'll come back for you," she promised, pressing herself closer to him still. It was something, but not enough. He would still be at her mercy, spending his life eagerly awaiting for her to visit and bestow upon him the scraps of her affection.

He dropped his hand from her sternum and slowly rose to his feet. She reached out as if to stop him, and then thought better of it, drawing her hand back to her own lap.

Heading to the nearest hut, he chose the one next to hers and ducked inside. He couldn't stand the pain of being around her anymore tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ben and his abandonment issues.
> 
> Comments are worth sixty portions each.
> 
> Check out my tumblr - "edawn"


	12. Apparition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's Big Mood this chapter is "When I Needed You" by Carly Rae Jepsen. It is an upbeat pop song, but the lyrics are spot on. It's also hilarious to imagine Ben bopping his head along to the music. Rey's song on that same album is "Favourite Colour" because it reminds me of her lightsaber.

Ben was more or less giving Rey the silent treatment.

She woke up with the sunrise and used the small courtyard space between the huts to practice the jedi forms. She was wearing the same simple black leggings that Ben had lifted from the First Order laundry room and her old white tank that always drew his eyes when she wore it. When Ben finally stumbled out of his hut looking bedraggled and like he hadn't slept a wink, he immediately stalked off out of sight without sparing her a glance.

Half of her is willing to admit that she was working on her forms in front of his hut in hopes that it would lure him out to help her like he did that day back in the training room on the Finalizer. The memory of his hands on her still made her blush.

She supposed that she doesn't deserve his attention, she did plan on leaving him here with no means of escape. The only other place she would trust to bring him is to the resistance where she could keep a watchful eye on him, but that would only bring both of their ruin. The resistance would never be able to forgive his crimes, he would be imprisoned or executed and it would all be for naught. No, this was the best option for him and the galaxy at large.

If she took him to a trading post and let him loose on the galaxy, she would feel personally responsible for whatever crimes he committed.

She also hoped that Ben would find peace here at the jedi temple. Maybe he would learn to find balance between the light and dark. He has spent so much time suppressing the light inside of him, afraid that the weight of all he has done will come crashing down on his shoulders. Time alone to recover is what he needs. At least that is what Rey is still trying to convince herself.

When she finally conceded that he wasn't coming back after she completed another round of forms, she decided on a trek up to the temple to meditate. She had hoped to drag him there with her, but he wasn't ready for that today.

As she ascended to the temple, she kept an eye out, scanning the island and looking for any sign of what Ben was up to. She couldn't find him with her visual scan, perhaps he had returned to the ship to seek out the comfort of a proper bed in the captain's quarters.

Today she only tied up one bun to keep the hair out of her eyes, but she left the majority of her hair flowing freely about her shoulders. She loved to feel the wind on Ahch-to blowing through her loose hair. Back on Jakku, there was never wind without the biting and stinging sand that always accompanied it. Here it was different, it was a nice cool breeze that tousled her hair and kissed her neck and give her pleasant chills down her spine.

When she reached the temple, it was eerily quiet. The light somehow seemed _dimmer_ despite the sunny day.

The small reflecting pool with the black and white prime jedi mosaic was perfectly still, the normal drip that fed into the pool appeared to have temporarily stopped. She paused to observe it for a moment before proceeding to the small lookout point where Luke had first showed her the true meaning of the force.

She climbed atop the rock and sat in a meditative position with her knees bent and legs crossed at the ankle. For a moment, she swore she could feel Luke. This was where he was when he returned to the force, she suddenly knew that as fact.

Her senses extended and she reached out with the force as he had shown her not so long ago. She felt the entire island flooding into her consciousness, the dark and the light equally powerful inside of her.

In that moment, she wished more than anything that Luke was still here. She needed guidance. Her anger at him for turning on Ben hadn't abated, but it was now balanced with her respect for him as the last of the jedi. He never stopped doing what he thought was best, just as she was doing now.

She didn't know how much time had passed while she reflected on the force.

"Rey," a raspy voice filled her ears. For just a moment she thought she had imagined it, or that the island itself was speaking to her.

She opened her eyes and standing before her was Luke Skywalker. He looked different, like she could reach out to touch him and her hand would pass right through.

"Luke," she gasped, lurching forward and almost toppling off the rock. Had she fallen asleep? Was this a dream? She almost opened her mouth again to ask if he was alive, but she knew that he was not.

"I'm sorry, Rey, I have failed you." He had a small smile but his eyes were sad and weary. "Just as I failed Ben."

"No, Luke, I failed you. Ben hasn't returned to the light." She frowned, lowering her eyes.

"I suspect he is more vulnerable to the light right now than he has been in a long time, and he owes that to you." Ghost Luke walked forward with labored steps. She wondered if it took effort to appear this way to her.

"What am I supposed to do next?" She looked up at him and realized tears were welling in her eyes.

"I don't think I'm qualified to be giving anyone advice." His small smile grew bigger. "I think you need to follow your heart. It isn't normally the jedi way, to let emotions guide you, but I think that you need to make your own way. You will shape the future of the jedi, perhaps it is best to learn from the mistakes of the last order."

"But my heart is so conflicted," she whispered. She was being tugged in two different directions. The resistance needed her. Ben needed her. She couldn't be there for both of them at the same time.

"Will I see you again?" She asked.

"I will always be with you, Rey. Just as I am always with Ben. Though I don't think my nefarious nephew is ready to face me just yet. Maybe with some of your guidance he will be ready one day." Luke's apparition took on a wry smile.

"I want to help him," she asserted with a passion she hadn't realized she felt. "The light inside of him burns so bright, it threatens to burst out of him. I feel it."

"You bring that out in him." Luke nodded encouragingly. "I do have one piece of advice to offer..." he trailed off, his voice lacking his normal confidence. "Perhaps I don't fully understand the connection between the two of you, but I would advise using _caution_ if the connection should progress."

"Caution?" She furrowed her brow.

"Yes... ah... how can I say this?" He actually looked embarrassed. If force apparitions could blush, he would be bright red. "Perhaps it is time for the Skywalker line to end."

She blanched.

"When Leia told me she was pregnant with Ben, I was overjoyed at the prospect of becoming an uncle, but a deep, dark part of me whispered that no good would come of extending Vader's bloodline. There is too much volatility there. Too much raw power."

"Luke." Rey spluttered, not wanting to think too much about what he was suggesting. "I'm not... we aren't..."

"I know, I know," he raised his hands in a calming gesture. "I just know my nephew, he doesn't do half measures. He puts all of himself into whatever he pursues. If he should pursue you..." he trialed off again, looking over at her apologetically.

"Right, okay, I will use... er, _caution._ " Now it was her turn to blush furiously, her cheeks were on fire.

"I'm so sorry Rey, I feel like I've left you with such a burden. I should have spent my years trying to save Ben and help the resistance instead of hiding here. Maybe then you wouldn't have stepped in to such a mess." Luke hung his head.

"Don't blame yourself, Ben needs to learn to save himself. And the resistance will always carry on as long as there is hope in the galaxy."

He smiled at her confidence. He seemed to get more translucent around the edges and she knew that he was fading away.

"I must leave you for now, Rey. Ben is coming. Remember to follow your heart." On his last word, he was gone.

Tears were now fully streaming down her face, she gripped her fingers on the edge of the rock to steady herself. She gasped out a sob that she could suppress any longer. Her chest hurt.

She heard footsteps rapidly ascending into the temple.

"REY!" The shout tore from Ben's throat with surprising ferocity. She startled and turned to see him running at full speed toward her across the stone temple floor.

"Ben?" She was still crying and his name came out of her mouth cracked and desperate.

When he reached her he skidded to a stop in front of where she sat. He grabbed her face in his overly large hands. Her tears were sandwiched between his palms and her cheeks. He looked scared and furious and terrifying all at once. His hair was windswept and damp and his face was red from exertion as if he sprinted here from the farthest point on the island.

"Where is he?" Ben hissed out the words. "I felt him here."

"Luke is gone, Ben. He appeared to me as an apparition." She reached up and covered his hands on her face with her own, soothing her fingers over his knuckles.

It was then that she noticed his eyes. They were the eyes of a scared boy.

"What did he do to you? Are you okay?" His gaze darted over her face and body, taking inventory of her.

"Yes, I'm fine. He just wanted to speak with me."

His shoulders sagged in relief and he dropped his hands from her face only to wrap his arms around her torso and tug her to his chest in a tight hug, lifting her up from her seated position on the rock. Her knees scraped against stone as he dragged her closer.

"I was afraid," he murmured into the hair on the top of her head. He buried his face in her scalp and clutched her tighter. "I thought he was angry with me, and with you for bringing me here. I thought it was a trap, that he was here to trick you or hurt you. I felt his presence in the force on the island and I got here as quickly as I could."

Her face was pressed tightly to his chest and she could feel the rapid thud of his heart beneath his ribs.

He was still afraid of Luke, after everything. He was terrified of the man who had betrayed him all those years ago. Ben was still that frightened little boy who woke up with his uncle and master hovering over him with an ignited lightsaber. Now he thought Luke would do the same to Rey.

"I'm fine, Ben. It's okay," she murmured into his shirt that was damp with sweat. "Luke wouldn't hurt me."

"That's what you think," he hissed. He dropped his head down and pressed his cheek into her forehead. He didn't release his tight grip on her body so she relaxed into his hold. He needed this.

"Well, if Luke's apparition pushes me off this cliff, at least you're free to take the shuttle and escape," she attempted the joke but felt his body stiffen in response.

"Don't joke like that," he whispered and tugged her waist tighter so her entire body was flush with his. "You should know by now the last thing I want is you dead."

He loosed his arms around her, but didn't release her. She leaned back and looked up into his face. He looked stern, his face was drawn tight and his eyes were serious.

She saw the decision happening behind his eyes and she was ashamed to admit that she did nothing to stop him when his lips descended and crashed against her own.

His kiss was like his fighting style, aggressive and wild. The fullness of his lips softened the blow, but the kiss was more of an attack than a gesture of affection.

He clutched at her hips desperately as his mouth moved over hers. She softened just a fraction and he used it as an opportunity to slide his tongue into her wet mouth.

Uninhibited power crackled around them. Their force connection hummed in pleasure and the wellspring of their joined powers seemed to swell and throb between them.

She brought her hands up to splay across his chest, she told herself she was going to push him away but she let him continue instead. Her head was spinning and her thoughts were fuzzy. She responded to the kiss tentatively, pressing her tongue against his own and taking his full bottom lip between her teeth when his tongue retreated.

A deep groan reverberated from his throat and he pressed his erection into the soft flesh of her stomach.

She gasped and finally followed through on her plan to push him away. She had to shove him roughly before he realized she had stopped responding. He stumbled back a half step.

His breath was coming out in harsh pants through lips that were red and shiny with saliva. His eyes looked almost black, his pupils were blown so wide with lust.

"Stop that," she snapped. "Don't do that again."

"That wasn't a one person activity, Rey." He narrowed his eyes down at her. She wished his lips would stop looking so thoroughly kissed and swollen.

"Just don't do it again." Her voice wavered. "I can't... I can't do that, and then leave."

His expression darkened. "Then don't leave."

Her face fell and she couldn't help the sad look she gave him.

"Just tell me I'm not the only one that wants this," he bit out. "Tell me this isn't one sided."

"Ben..." She extended her arm to grab his hand and he tugged it back out of her reach.

"Tell me, Rey." His voice was low and dangerous now.

She set her mouth into a rigid line and pressed her lips together. She couldn't tell him about her deepest, darkest thoughts of him. How she would never be able to get his kiss out of her mind for as long as she lived. How her entire body felt like bursting into flames under his touch. It was for his own good, she told herself.

"Fine," he growled. He turned on his heel and stalked back across the temple and out of sight.

Her shoulders slumped forward and she realized she was trembling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon is that force ghost Luke is basically Mark Hamill. If you don't agree, fight me.
> 
> Comments give me life.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - "edawn"


	13. Duel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I apologize that this chapter took so much longer than the previous chapters. There has been some reorganization at the company I work at, including the team I'm responsible for, so things have been very hectic on that front. In addition, I've been going through some difficult times in my personal life so my motivation to write has been rather low. I promise I'm not giving up on this story!
> 
> Thank you all for being so patient with me and the positive feedback on this story keeps me going!

The next morning Kylo didn't find Rey practicing her forms outside of his hut. He ignored the twinge of disappointment in his stomach. Maybe she learned her lesson after their kiss the previous day. It was too much like playing with fire, trying to tempt him, to draw him in. He trudged across the ramshackle village towards the moisture farming set up.

"Ben," Rey's voice halted him mid step, he allowed himself to pause but didn't turn to look at her. She must have taken this as a signal to continue speaking. "Please come with me to the temple today. I want to show you how to tap into the powers there, I want you to feel what I can feel on this island, before..."

Her voice trailed off on a desolate note.

"Before you leave," he finished for her sharply.

"Yes," she responded and he could practically hear her jut out her chin in defiance without turning to face her.

"There is something I want then, if we are going to be doing each other favors." He finally turned on the spot to face her and he was mildly surprised to realize how far away she was standing. He heard her voice like she was right next to him.

The furious blush that rose up high in her cheeks clued him in that she was thinking the favor he wanted related to the kiss they shared. He kept his face neutral as he awaited her response.

"What kind of favor?" Her voice was slightly higher than normal and he wondered if he asked for another kiss, would she accept? But no, that wasn't what he had in mind.

"I want to see it, one more time before you go." His eyes zeroed in on the lightsaber clipped to her waist. It didn't escape him that she kept it on her at all times even though they were the only two people on the island.

Her hand raised up to the hilt and she tilted her hip backwards, away from him, almost protectively.

"Will you fight me, Rey?" His voice was low but by the emotions that flitted across her face, he knew she heard him loud and clear.

He wasn't sure he was going to work up the courage to ask her to duel him before she ran back to the resistance, before she ran away from him. Something about the lonely lilt in her voice when she called out to him, like she had been up for hours but had waited until he left his hut so she could catch him up, made up his mind for him.

Part of him even longed for her to mark him again as she had marked his face. When he caught his reflection and saw that bold slash across his visage, he thought of her. It was almost a shame his beard would eventually cover it if he gave up shaving.

Almost imperceptibly, she nodded her head with the smallest movement possible.

"When?" He breathed the word out on a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"No time like the present," she shrugged. "Unless you need time to prepare?"

"No, I'm ready," he squashed down the incensed feeling at her suggestion he wasn't always ready for a fight, she was likely goading him on purpose.

He extended his arm and called his lightsaber to his hand, it flew out of his open hut and landed in his outstretched palm. Unlike her, he didn't keep it on him while he was here. There was no point, there was nothing she could do to him that he would want to stop with physical force.

She stepped out into the courtyard and looked around nervously. He could somehow tell that her anxious energy wasn't directed at him.

"Not here, we will damage the huts," she indicated the relatively small space for a lightsaber duel. "Let's head over to the grassy area by the cliff."

He nodded in response and trailed after her as she led the way.

When they reached an open field she stopped walking and he continued for a few paces before turning to face her.

The wind out here in the open was cutting through his thin clothes and it only highlighted how ridiculously under dressed he felt. He was so used to being so thoroughly covered. Now he felt exposed in thin black pants and a long sleeved tunic. He didn't even bother with gloves here. The lightsaber felt cold in his hand.

The only thing that gave him solace was that she was in a similar state of dress to him. She wore black leggings and a baggy grey tunic that was made of some gauzy material. The way the light hit her shirt, he could see the barest outline of her body beneath the excess of material.

She raised the hilt of her lightsaber, dropping into a perfect example of the first form. He responded simply by igniting the lightsaber at his side, lowering himself into a defensive stance.

He looked at her expectantly. Why wasn't she igniting her blade as well? How he longed to see the Skywalker light saber crackle and spit violently. It was her mark on the blade, their corruption of the crystal that made it that way.

"I don't want to hurt you," she murmured, locking eyes with him. "How will we know when to stop fighting?"

"We'll know," he said with a sneer. She truly thought she could best him. "Don't go into this with that mindset, don't hold back."

She still looked unsure, but resolve settled over her face as she nodded brusquely.

The light saber ignited in her two handed grip and he clenched his fist on the hilt of his own blade reflexively. He would never get over how beautiful it looked and how beautiful she looked holding it with her face cast in that blue light.

He waited for her to advance on him and she did. She closed the space between them with quick, purposeful steps. Raising her saber above her head in preparation for a vicious two handed blow, he brought his saber up to stop the blade and they had begun.

At first they only engaged in quick meetings of the saber and then one of them would step back, assessing the other. Testing the waters. Then they both dug in, falling into a brutal rhythm of blows.

She pressed the combat towards him, making him concede ground. She had learned from the mistakes she made the last time they sparred with wooden staffs. She would no longer let him back her into a corner.

He used his height and reach, his only real physical advantage when she drew so heavily on the force, to hold his position. He caused her to take two rapid jumps back as he swung in a sweeping arc across the space between them. He quickly filled the space and jabbed his saber towards her stomach.

For one horrible second he thought she wasn't going to get there in time to block it, but she did. Her tunic now sported a neat singed hole in the front, directly above her navel.

He realized that he was the one holding back, not her. She attacked with her normal intensity, grunting and yelling as she brought that crackling saber to meet his own. He didn't want to fight her, not really. He wanted to drown in her. Maybe this was just a manifestation of that, he was getting close to her in the only way she would allow.

He shifted his weight on his legs and decided on a new strategy. He caught her next blow in the cradle between the cross guard and blade of his saber. Before she could pull back for another blow, he twisted his grip and hooked her light saber, dragging it away from her and towards him.

Kylo tightened his grip on the hilt of his saber and shifted the weight of it until he had it securely in a one handed hold as she pressed into him with her blade.

He used his spare hand to reach out and her eyes widened, she thought he was going to go for her saber. Instead, he grabbed her exposed wrist. The baggy tunic sleeve had sagged down to her elbow and he could wrap his whole hand around her forearm.

They were stuck like that, sabers locked and him gripping her. He drew on their connection. It opened immediately for him, he felt that untapped power flowing from the place where they touched. He could see in her face that she felt betrayed, she didn't want to draw on that power and she probably thought it was cheating for him to do as much. He found he didn't much care if she thought he was cheating.

Sweat broke out across his forehead and he gripped her arm tighter, trying to loosen her grip on her saber. She hung on, somehow, even with him drawing on their combined power.

"Yield," he hissed.

"No." Her mouth set into a grim straight line, lips pressing together so hard that they turned white. She wouldn't yield to him.

"Yield," he insisted again, he pressed the locked sabers closer to her so his cross guard singed her sleeve with a hiss.

She shook her head, trying to adjust her grip and press back, but she couldn't.

"I don't want to hurt you." Kylo looked at her, openly pleading. A fly away piece of hair came loose from her bun and burnt itself along the shaft of his blade.

"I SAID NO." And just like that, she too drew on their combined energy. The wellspring seemed to pulse with energy as she finally opened herself up to it. He felt the air get sucked forcibly from his lungs and something that felt like a sonic blast passed between them.

She wrenched her hand out of his grip and quickly scooped his own lightsaber from his hand in his moment of surprise. He stumbled backwards, stunned.

Rey twirled both sabers, each in a one handed grip and slid effortlessly into the fifth form. Her hair whipped around her face in the wind and she looked about ready to lop his head off with both of the spitting , violent blades she wielded. It took his breath away.

Her face slowly fell as she came back to her senses. She hadn't realized she drew on their joined power.

Both lightsabers switched off abruptly and she dropped the hilts to the grass with muffled thuds. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking at him with a stricken expression.

"No, don't ever apologize," he said calmly. "I've been eager for you to tap into that power yourself. Did you feel it? Did you feel what we can do?" He inched forward towards her, not wanting to spook her off. The haunted look on her face was more disturbing than he wanted to admit.

"I felt it." She wrapped her arms around herself protectively, looking at him through her eyelashes warily. "I didn't even realize that I... it wasn't even a conscious decision..."

"I know," Kylo said quietly, he was close to her now.

"It came to me so naturally." She shivered.

"I know," he repeated. He reached out his hand, hovering over her arm, and drew it back, deciding against touching her again while she was still processing. "I've been thinking if we worked together, we could figure out how to draw on the power without physically touching. So far we can only tap into it if we are connected somehow on the physical plane. I think if we can leverage our mental connection somehow then we can-"

"No!" She didn't exactly yell, but her voice was sharp and cut him off abruptly.

"Rey, you felt what we can do, we can't ignore this. You know how right it feels."

"This is darkness," she muttered.

"No, don't you dare." He pointed a finger at her, biting out his words. "Don't you dare do that. You know this is not the dark side. You feel it the same as me, it's just the force. Our connection to the force. That isn't dark."

"If it has to do with you, it's dark." She squeezed her arms around herself tighter.

He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to suck in deep breaths.

"Do you remember that little girl?" His voice was quiet when he finally spoke, his eyes still squeezed shut. He was terrified of looking at her while he asked her this. "Do you remember the little girl... from the vision that the force showed us? The girl that looked like both of us?"

"Don't," she warned.

"Did that feel dark to you? Did she look like she was wrapped in the dark side of the force as she sat on Han Solo's lap smiling and laughing with her grandfather? I know you've thought about her since we had that vision. You're heart _aches_ for her. Is everything I've ever touched or ever will touch going to be dark in your eyes? Or when you speak of balance in the force is that just something you say because you know I'll never achieve it?"

When he finally opened his eyes she looked like she wished she still held their lightsabers so she could run him through where he stood. Her face was a patchy red and her eyes were aflame.

"That's what I thought," he muttered and turned to walk away. She lashed out and grabbed his elbow.

Their power bloomed between them.

"Don't ever mention that girl again," she said with an ice cold voice. He thought for a second the tips of her hair were crackling with some unseen electricity. "She was a figment of a cruel force vision. She never existed, never will exist. It wasn't a prophecy because Han Solo will never have a granddaughter because Han Solo is dead, you made sure of that."

It would have been kinder of her to slap him.

He reared back at her words and instantly her face fell. She realized she had crossed a line.

"Ben," she breathed. "Ben, I'm sorry."

But he shook off her grip on his elbow, the connection between them abruptly snuffed out. He stalked off, away from her. Anywhere away from his tormentor.

A shrill sound cut through the atmosphere, Kylo looked to the sky, startled, momentarily forgetting his fury. At first, he thought it was the scream of a TIE fighter and his hand twitched, about to call his saber into his fist.

That was no TIE fighter, it was an X-wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments give me life.
> 
> Find me on tumblr - "edawn"


	14. Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice long update for all you patient people! My life has taken a pretty massive turn in the past few weeks, so I appreciate all of you still commenting and waiting for updates! I am committed to finishing this story, we are in it for the long haul. Love you all.

As the X-wing descended toward the island at breakneck speed, Rey struggled between her anxiety over someone discovering their hideout and her joy at possibly seeing a familiar face. She didn't even risk a glance over at Ben until he spoke.

"What have you done?" Ben hissed through gritted teeth as he stalked towards her and snatched his lightsaber hilt out of the grass by her feet. "Did you summon the resistance here?"

"I didn't," she snapped at him, leaning down to retrieve her saber as well. She clipped it to her belt securely and straightened. She realized then that her hands were shaking. Maybe she did summon them here. She had clicked on that tracker, only briefly. There was no way they could track her location in such a short time period. Maybe it was enough for Leia to put the pieces together and send someone here after her.

Ben hovered behind her, she almost wished he would get out of sight. She had no idea how to explain his presence. How to explain _him_.

The light fighter slowed it's descent and settled into the grass neatly beside where Ben's shuttle was parked at the bottom of the stairs that led up to the village and temple. It was an X-wing that she didn't recognize, the markings looked old and faded. She heard a faint creaking sound as the cover retracted off the cockpit. 

Rey immediately dashed towards the steps to meet their visitor. She didn't hear Ben follow her.

As she descended the stairs, Poe hopped out of the small craft and began to run towards her in greeting, his feet pounding the soft ground of the island. He was in his standard flight suit, though it looked a little worse for wear. They met at the bottom of the steps and he scooped her up into a crushing hug.

"Nice ride! It's no Black One, but it looks like it will get the job done." She grinned a big, toothy grin at her friend.

He ignored the comment about his newly acquired ship and launched into a worried tirade.

"Rey! We've been worried sick about you! News broke that Kylo Ren fled the First Order and we had no idea what that meant for you. You were his prisoner! We thought you might have been executed or tortured for information or imprisoned-"

"Poe! Poe, calm down. Take a deep breath!" Rey smiled up at him as he finally released his tight hold on her. She slid to the ground and gripped his hands in hers firmly, reassuringly. "I'm fine! See? All in one piece."

"We got your message, containing the First Order's movements in the outer rim. And your instructions not to come for you. It really freaked us out. Finn was inconsolable, he thought you were sacrificing yourself. He would be here with me now if Leia didn't forbid it, she didn't want to risk both of us on this mission. When she got your signal from the tracker...she wasn't sure if it was a trap." Poe shoved a hand into his now wind tousled hair and looked at her with a pained expression. "What happened Rey?"

"I didn't mean to worry her, I just wanted her to know I was okay." Rey grimaced painfully, her stomach turning over at the thought of causing her friends undue pain. "It's been... complicated."

"What is complicated? Why did you come here after escaping? Was your tracker broken? We moved to a new base... but we thought you would be able to find us." He squeezed her hands pleadingly. He wanted her to tell him it was all a big mistake and she would have returned to the resistance as soon as possible if some immovable force wasn't stopping her. She couldn't tell him that though, it would be a lie. She had been split between returning to the resistance and staying and helping Ben Solo.

"Poe, I... it's hard to explain." A flush rose in her cheeks and she felt a lump growing in her throat that she could barely speak around.

"Did your ship break down? That is one hell of a shuttle, I'm sure the First Order is cursing your name for commandeering it." Poe let out an appreciate whistle at the sleek black shuttle.

"No, my ship is fine." Rey murmured, unable to look Poe in the face.

Ben chose that very inopportune moment to appear at the top of the staircase, just within visual range. She felt his presence lurking behind her and the way Poe's eyes snapped up over her shoulder told her everything.

Poe dropped her hands, stepping back defensively.

"Rey. What. Happened." Poe bit out, and she felt his anger as a tangible thing in the force, projected out from all angles.

"Poe, please, I can explain." She stepped towards him and reached out to grab his hands again, he tugged them back out of her reach.

"Why is Kylo Ren here?" Poe's hands were balled into fists at his sides in a very un-Poe like way. Rey knew that everyone had a breaking point.

"He helped me escape, we escaped together." Rey spoke softly, afraid of angering him further.

"Is that why you didn't come back to us, Rey? Is he keeping you here against your will?" Poe's voice was measured and restrained.

"No! No, nothing like that. He just... he needs me, Poe. I am helping him. I was going to return to the resistance when-"

"When?!" He cut her off. "After how many more of us died hopping from base to base with the First Order on our trail? We are dying out there," he punctuated this with a violent point of the finger towards the sky, "and you are here playing house with the Supreme Leader of the First Order."

She felt Ben's anger boiling behind her. He could no doubt hear their conversation, the wind on this island had a funny way of carrying sound exactly where you didn't want it to go.

"Poe, you don't understand-" It was the wrong thing to say.

"No, Rey, you don't understand. We've been expending resources and and time trying to find you, and now I can see that you never wanted to be found."

Her face felt wet. At first she thought it was salty spray from the ocean, but she realized it was tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Even Leia has given up on him, Rey. His own mother. What makes you think you can do anything for him?"

"I have to try," she whispered.

"Why?" Poe's anger morphed into frustration and confusion. "Why do you want to waste your time on something that is only going to end in pain and suffering?"

"We are connected," she hissed. Ben's anger sharpened to a point in the force, he felt intensely protective over their bond and he certainly didn't want Poe or anyone else to know about it. Mercifully, he didn't descend the stairs any further towards them. She didn't know if she could handle a confrontation between the two men.

"You don't feel connected to the resistance? We need you, Rey."

"I am! But this is different... the force brings us together. It wants something from the two of us, I know it, but I can't figure out what it is. Our fates are intertwined. I can't just abandon him, he has been abused and discarded his entire life." She was grasping for the words to explain it to someone who has never felt the connection she shares with Ben. No matter how much they argue and fight and hate each other, they are a constant presence in the other's mind. A dull hum at the back of every thought.

"If you want me to have sympathy for that murderer, I won't." Poe crossed his arms in front of his chest. "He deserves every horrible thing that ever has ever will happened to him."

"I understand why you think that. Please understand that I can't help but want more for him. I see light inside of him. I have everything under control." She was pleading with Poe, for what she wasn't sure.

He looked at her skeptically, his anger still simmering beneath the surface. "Yeah, it really looks like you are in control here," he said with a sarcastic bite in his tone as he reached out and tugged on the front of her shirt with it's neatly burned lightsaber hole. She frowned at him.

"I will return to the resistance, just give me a day to take care of things here. I promise. Tell Leia and Finn that I will be back soon."

"And what about Kylo Ren? Are you going to bring him along as your pet?" Poe frowned.

"No, he will stay here. I'll come back for him when I can. He doesn't want to go to the resistance."

"Of course he doesn't. He is responsible for the death of almost all of their family members and loved ones. He is a coward." Poe glared above her shoulder and the answering fury in the force let her know that Ben was glaring right back at him. She was at least impressed with Ben's restraint. Kylo Ren would have marched down here and attacked Poe without much of a thought.

"Do you want to stay for a meal? It must have been a long flight in that tiny cockpit," she implored gently, reaching out a hand to him.

He shrugged her away. "No, we are packing up for another move and they need me to escort the cruisers. We don't have many fighters."

Guilt stabbed at her insides.

"I'll be back soon, I promise." Her shoulders drooped.

"Right." She wasn't used to this gruff and unforgiving version of Poe. Poe was lighthearted and positive, even in the face of disaster. She hated to think he felt betrayed by her.

"Poe, please don't tell Leia about Ben." She made the request in a small, ashamed voice.

"I won't lie to her," he snapped.

"Please, just don't tell her. Give me one day. I'll be back and I'll tell her myself. I don't want her to be... unsure about my motivations. I need to explain myself."

He appraised her with cold eyes. "Okay, you have one day."

Rey stepped forward despite his closed off posture and wrapped her arms around his torso in a tight hug. "I'm sorry Poe," she murmured into his shoulder. "Please, give me a chance. I'm doing the best I can for everyone."

He softened in her grip and finally hugged her back. She let out a restrained sob of relief, clutching him even tighter.

"I trusted you Rey, and that trust is broken." His voice were gentle even though his words were harsh. "Everyone has to make tough decisions in times like these. Hell, I've made my share of questionable choices. Yours just happens to be Supreme Leader sized and more than just questionable..."

She punched him playfully and leaned back, grinning. Relief flooded her as he returned the grin.

"I'll see you soon."

"You better," Poe pointed a finger at her and retreated to his X-wing. He didn't bother even shutting the engine completely down and he was priming it for flight in no time.

Rey turned to face Ben where he stood at the top of the stairs. He looked oddly calm, but his tumultuous force signature contradicted his outward appearance.

She ascended the stairs towards him as the X-wing lifted off behind her. She turned briefly to wave goodbye but Poe was already disappearing into the atmosphere.

When she reached Ben, he didn't move out of her way or turn to ascend the stairs with her.

"You are leaving tomorrow." His voice was flat and low.

"That is what you took away from that conversation?" She gaped at him. "My friends are dying and you are still only concerned about yourself."

"Do you really think that?" He spoke in a fierce whisper, leaning down form his towering position a few steps ahead of her. "I'm concerned about you. I don't want you to go off and die for their cause and leave me here to rot for the rest of my days."

"That sounds an awful lot like a concern about yourself," she bit back and shoved past him. He teetered on the edge of a stair for a split second before regaining balance and pursuing her up the steps.

He closed the distance between them and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. With her on the higher step, their height difference was less exaggerated and they were nearly face to face.

"You know very well that isn't the only reason I don't want you to die, it's just the easiest reason for me to admit out loud. If you're going to keep me at arm's length, claiming everything to do with me is dark and evil, then I can't tell you what is really in my mind, Rey. For my own sanity."

She shrunk under his gaze, despite having the higher ground. When a gust of wind pushed his hair back from his face, she caught a glimpse of the large ears he is so ashamed of and a swell of empathy for him washed over her.

"I'm keeping you at arm's length for my own sanity, too." Her words were quiet and they made his expression soften. He seemed to forget her cruel words from earlier. Of anyone she knew, he was quickest to forgive her and see past her flaws.

"Stay with me tonight," he said, his deep voice reverberating in the small space between them. It was desperate and open in a way that he had never been with her before. It was terrifying to Rey. "You are leaving tomorrow, give me this at least. So I can remember."

She tried to keep the pity off her face, she didn't want to be the next person in a long line of people who abandoned or hurt him.

"You know I'll be back for you, Ben. Please tell me you know that." She wanted to reach out and grab his hands like she had done with Poe, but the difference between the two men was so stark. She knew her motives for grabbing Ben's hands weren't the same.

"I don't know that," he whispered. "What I know is that we were enemies, and now I don't even know what we are. I know that I will be broken and empty when you are gone. I know that this power we share _means_ something and you are walking away from it."

"I can't have this conversation anymore, Ben." She sags under the weight of all the pressure. The pressure to return to the resistance and the pressure to stay with Ben.

The sky above the island opened up and some rain drops started to sprinkle the ground around them. She felt the little pricks of cold drop onto her nose and hands.

She turned and headed back for the shelter of the huts. She could hear his muffled footsteps trudging along behind her.

When she reached her hut, she didn't even bother stopping him from following her inside and shutting the door behind them.

He walked over to her small worktable and gathered up some candles, arranging them around the room and lighting them with a nearby igniter. The sky outside had gone dark as night, despite still being day, and the hut benefited from the warm glow of the candlelight. She sat on the edge of her bed, watching him.

"What are you doing?" She questioned softly. Her fingertips moved along the rough texture of her blanket, grounding her.

They were both damp from the rain, his hair hung in limp, wet locks around his face. He shoved it back with two hands and his pale skin seemed to radiate it's own light.

"I'm giving up on conversation, as per your wish. I can see now that I can't convince you to choose me over the resistance." He frowned and sat down on a chair to remove his soggy boots with two loud squelches.

He then moved across the small hut and fell to his knees in front of her. She scooted back on her bed, alarmed, before he gripped her calves and tugged her forward again. He began unlacing her boots and she relaxed. He tugged them free, along with her socks, and gripped her tiny bare feet in his overlarge hands. His hands were surprisingly warm against her cold skin and the gentle pressure of his hold on the arches of her feet felt nice.

He was staring down at her feet in his hands, brow furrowed as if trying to decipher some code she couldn't see. Rey reached out and brushed a hand gently through his wet hair, he leaned into the touch. She could give him that at least.

She wasn't sure what was more cruel, giving him warmth and taking it away when she left, or not giving him the memory of warmth to look back on in the first place.

"Come here," she said it so softly, she almost hoped he didn't hear it and she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of saying it.

His head snapped up to look at her, his eyes darting over every inch of her face.

Rey patted the space next to her on the bed, indicating where she wanted him. He looked at the space, skeptically and then rose to his feet to sink down onto the hard mattress beside her. Their thighs were touching as the mattress sagged beneath their combined weight.

The air was quiet and still inside the hut, despite the winds and rain that raged outside it.

She angled toward him and raised her arms to wrap around his neck, tugging him down to her level into a tight hug. He responded by slipping his arms around her waist and tugging her even closer until the damp material of their shirts stuck together. He exhaled into her neck and she twitched at the ticklish sensation.

She buried her own face into his neck, pressing her face to his skin. Her lips were against his pulse. It wasn't a kiss, just a touch, a pressing of skin to skin. At least, that is what she told herself.

The closer she pressed, the more skin contact they shared, the more she felt every thought and feeling passing through his mind come into sharp focus. She wanted to feel it all, she wanted to punish herself and feel every one of his dark thoughts. She wanted to feel his pain and loneliness, his grief over killing his father, his anguish over his mother giving up on him, his anxiety that stemmed from years of abuse and torture under Snoke. Rey needed to imprint clearly in her mind everything that made him human and made her care about him, she wanted to take all those feelings with her.

An idea popped into her mind and she set it into motion before she could take time to second guess it.

She leaned back from their embrace and he tensed, afraid of scaring her off. "Take off your shirt," she instructed with a wave of her hand.

His eyebrows shot up, but he didn't argue. Ben's hands went for the edge of his tunic and he tugged it over his head in one swift motion.

Rey didn't allow herself time to admire his chest, she tugged her own gauzey tunic over her head and discarded it on the floor. She was wearing a thin breast band, but the damp fabric didn't do much to conceal her form. Her skin was covered in gooseflesh from the sudden chill, but she pressed on.

He was staring at her, wide eyed, his gaze struggled to focus, darting between her body and her face. He kept his hands firmly at his sides.

"I want to just feel our connection. I don't want either of us to draw on it. Maybe we could just... let it flow, for a little while?" She hated how hesitant her voice sounded. He didn't say anything, but he nodded at her with wide eyes. 

She moved towards him cautiously, gripping his bare shoulders in her hands as she settled sideways across his lap, her legs dangling off to the side. She noticed his hands still clenched tightly in the blanket at his sides.

"You can touch me," she whispered and her voice came out hesitant and afraid.

He lifted his hands and she watched as a decision passed behind his eyes and he settled his hands on her waist, warmth radiating out of his fingertips. His thumbs brushed the underside of her ribs.

She sank into him, pressing herself into his chest and folding up on his lap. He pulled her close and spread his hands over her back. She felt his chest expand with each stuttering breath.

Their connection felt like a living, breathing thing. When they weren't drawing on it for power, it simmered and flowed between them like a river.

She felt a new hardness digging into the side of her thigh. This wasn't about that, but she would be lying if she denied that her body was also burning up from the inside out. Her feelings for him were confusing, but this was one thing she understood at least. No matter if she wanted that with him or not, she at least could acknowledge to herself that it was there, and it _burned_.

"Rey," he said in that low voice of his and pressed his mouth into her shoulder. He was wrapped around her now, like a protective shell. "It feels..."

He trailed off, unable to articulate how their connection felt when they were open to eachother, no barriers or hesitations.

"I know," she whispered. Her ear found his heart and she pressed herself into him, listening to the reassuring thudding sound.

She felt his mouth moving on the skin of her shoulder and she couldn't bring herself to push him away. She felt drugged on this feeling. He bit down, sharp teeth putting gentle pressure on her shoulder and she gasped, clinging to him even tighter.

He soothed his hands over her back, leaving behind ripples of energy as if he was skimming over water.

"Come back to me," he spoke against her skin, his mouth moving to her neck. He found her pulse and bit into her neck like he had done her shoulder. Rey shuddered, suppressing any embarrassing sounds she was inclined to make in that moment.

"I promise, I'll come back," she responded, tilting her head to the side to allow him access to her neck. "I promise."

His mouth moved closer to her ear and his teeth dug into that sensitive flesh. This time she didn't hold back the groan that tumbled from her lips. Every point of contact sent sparks of energy directly into her core.

"I promise, I promise," she repeated it over and over again like a prayer.

"I'm terrified of being alone," he said the words into her skin as if he was trying to bypass her brain and send the message directly to her soul.

"You're never alone," she said, gripping him. "We have this," she sent a jolt through their connection and his body rocked forward like he was eager to receive it.

He let out a low, rumbling growl and gripped her waist tightly. He lifted her from his lap and deposited her on her back on the bed, crawling his way after her.

"You have no idea what you do to me," he hissed. He went for her mouth but she turned her head away stubbornly. She didn't mind his biting and his mouth on her neck, it felt apt for their hostile relationship, but a kiss on the mouth would make it too hard for her to leave tomorrow.

He made a desperate, frustrated noise and dropped his forehead to her right clavicle, breathing deeply. His skin felt clammy when she gripped his arms.

His body still hovered above hers and she pulled him down on top of her with a nudge in the force. He sank into her all long limbs and relaxed muscles. His knees slotted between her legs and she let her thighs fall apart to accommodate him. It somehow wasn't smothering, it was comforting.

He rested his face on her sternum and she ran her fingers through his hair softly.

"Let's just lay together," she spoke into the top of his head. He nodded without looking at her face and she relaxed. The force was gentle, like water at the edge of a lake lapping at their sides.

She would miss it when she is gone, their connection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are my life's blood. They remind me I have a story to finish.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr - "edawn"


	15. Parting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm about to open up and get real personal with you guys. So if you aren't here for that and only want Reylo goodness, you can scroll past this note.
> 
> I've been trying to conceive a child for some time now, well over a year. I became pregnant and it was the happiest time of my life. Unfortunately, after a couple months the baby did not have a heartbeat and I had surgery to have it removed. It has been an extreme emotional rollercoaster for me and honestly one of the main things (aside from my wonderful husband) that helps me get through this tough time is Star Wars and of course Reylo. So thank you guys, all of your comments and kudos and appreciation for my story really put a smile on my face at a time when it is very difficult to smile.

Kylo wanted more. He always wanted more of everything, but especially more of Rey. He wanted every inch of her, body and soul. Most of all, he wanted her to stay with him. She had fallen asleep, her breathing slowly evening out until it was deep and rhythmic beneath him. He laid there atop her, painfully awake and not daring to waste anymore of the little time he had left with her. Soon she would be gone and he would be so very alone.

The wind and rain roared outside the small hut, but all he could hear was her soft breathing and the sound of his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

He had a passing thought, more of a wish really, of those fairy stories that Luke used to tell him when he was still a young child. The princess gets snatched and put into a deep slumber, only to be awakened by her one true love. He thought of Rey in a deep, unpenetrable slumber, safe and here on the island with him instead of out fighting the battles of a resistance that didn't stand a chance. Did the one true love in the stories have the power to put the princess back to sleep in order to keep her safe? If it was the only option?

But no, that isn't what he really wanted for Rey. He once told her that he wanted to see her powerful and he would never want to close her off from anything that gave her strength. He meant it then and he means it now, but the most selfish part of him _aches_ at the thought of her leaving. He needs her for himself.

Kylo shifted atop her, pressing his hands into the mattress on either side of her torso and lifting himself to hover above her. He studied her face, the way her eyes darted beneath her eyelids, and the smattering of pale freckles over her nose and forehead. His lower body was still cradled between her strong thighs and, even setting aside the baser implications of the position, he thought he belonged here more than anywhere else.

He lifted a hand, balancing himself on the other arm, and gently placed it on her bare stomach. She shifted in her sleep but didn't wake, he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. The flesh of her lower belly was soft and pliant under his rough hands, this was his favorite part of her. He loved all her soft parts, they contrasted so well with the tough, hard facade that she put up.

The force still flowed between them freely while they touched, but he could also sense something else flowing into him from where he rested his hand, a calling. He thought he knew what the force desired of them, but he tucked that thought away, deep into the dark recesses of his mind. He couldn't think about that, not now while she would be in imminent danger as soon as she left the safety of the island.

She made a little snuffling snoring sound and stretched out, twisting her body up towards him in her sleep. He obliged her by lowering himself back to the bed. This time he settled his body next to her, half covering her with his torso. He pressed his forehead into her temple and breathed her in.

He knew he shouldn't kiss her, it would cross a line that she firmly drew for him, but he wasn't a good man. She wouldn't even let him come close to an approximation of kissing while she was awake, he had to bite into her soft flesh like the monster that he was.

He pressed his lips into the corner of her mouth, just barely overlapping her own lips which were somewhat dry from sleep and the texture of once melted wax. As soon as he made contact, her lips parted with a soft gasp and he thought for sure that he awoke her, but she slumbered on. He lingered at that spot at the corner of her mouth for a moment before pulling away and burying his face in her neck. That would have to be enough for now.

*

He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he did. Now sun filtered in to the hut, apparently they had slept straight through the evening until the morning.

Rey stirred in his grip. He clutched at her hip with one hand and the other cradled her head. He opened his eyes to find her looking at him with such a soft look that it actually made anger bubble up within him.

"It's time, Ben." She whispered, even though they were the only two sentient beings for a mile on this island. She reached up a hand and carded her fingers through his hair like she had that day on the shuttle when he admitted his insecurity about his ears to her. Light fingers brushed over the shell of his ear and his expression darkened. Why was she making this more difficult than it had to be?

He resolved to pull away and he only let her run her fingers over his ear for another few seconds before following through and sitting up, letting her arm fall to the bed. The force power that had been flowing between them all night was promptly snuffed out at the loss of contact. Once he found his shirt that he had discarded onto the floor the night before, he tugged it over his head roughly.

He turned on her with a cold look, she still lounged on the bed, somehow looking like the picture of innocence even just in her breast band and no shirt. Her skin was pale and fresh from sleep and he wanted more than anything to touch it. Instead he said, "You better get going, wouldn't want to keep my mother waiting."

The corners of Rey's mouth turned down but he burst out of the hut and into the daylight before she had a chance to respond.

She followed him, tugging her own shirt over her head as she emerged into the sun of the new day.

"Ben, don't be this way, I will be back for you. Please don't make our last moments together today so sour." She followed him as he stalked down the island towards the shuttle. He didn't respond.

When he told her last night that he was terrified of being alone, it was only a half truth. He was terrified of being alone with his own dark thoughts. She balanced him, kept him from descending into madness. He wasn't really sure if he would be able to do it on his own.

His feet carried him of their own will into the command shuttle, he made his way to the cockpit and input his code into the screen to prep the ship for takeoff. She knew the code now as well, but he felt like he needed to do something with his hands to keep from punching something.

"There are enough rations in storage to feed a small army, so you shouldn't have any trouble on your journey." He began flipping switches rapidly to prime the engine. Normally he liked to watch her do it.

"Ben." Her soft voice entreated him to look at her, but he wouldn't.

"The toolkit has a high grade welding torch in case the welding job on your lightsaber doesn't hold up," he instructed in his deep, level voice as he finished the priming sequence.

"Ben." Her voice was more firm now.

"I also suggest sleeping in the captain's quarters, you are going to damage your back trying to fold into those crew quarters like you did on the journey here." He didn't want to admit to himself that he was stalling as he did a full systems check on the ship at the console.

"Ben!" She shouted and his shoulders tensed. He turned to look at her, she looked small in the doorway to the cockpit. "Tell me you know that I will return for you, I need you to tell me."

His shoulders sagged and he let out a breath.

"I know you will be back, eventually," he conceded, "I just don't know what shape you will find me in when you return."

She approached him slowly, resting her hands on his shoulders, warmth seemed to radiate out of her.

"I won't be long," she promised. "And we have the bond."

He barked out a cruel laugh. "The bond that has caused me nothing but pain."

"You don't mean that," she whispered, having the nerve to sound affronted.

"Don't I? It has made me weak. I've lost everything, and now I'm losing you as well."

"You aren't losing me," she hissed. "What do I need to do to get it through your thick skull? I will be back soon. And you aren't weak, you are at the strongest I've ever seen you. You aren't answering to a master, you are your own person. When the war is over you can rebuild a new life."

"When the war is over, you'll be dead." He looked at her with cold, emotionless eyes. Her naive platitudes did nothing to reassure him. He had to close himself off now, before it was too late. She was a fool to think that the Resistance would bring her anything but pain and suffering and death. The worst thing of all was that she wouldn't stay by his side where he could protect her.

"Then you underestimate me and you underestimate the power of hope in the galaxy. There is nothing I can do to make you see." She dropped her hands away from him and crossed the cockpit to sink into the captain's chair.

She sat stubbornly facing the viewport and he moved to leave her.

"Do you have any message you would like me to deliver to your mother before I leave?" Her voice was clipped and sharp.

"No."

He stalked out of the cockpit and off the ship, not bothering to linger and watch her take off.

*

Rey was still shaking with anger by the time she arrived at the new resistance base. The bond hadn't chosen to connect her and Ben during her journey, maybe even the force was giving them a break, lest they end up murdering each other. Every time her thoughts drifted to that hulking, lumbering idiot she started to fume. She was trying to do her best by everyone, and he was being a stubborn ass.

The flight took her two painfully long and lonely days, its funny how quickly she got lonely now after having lived alone in the desert for years on end without real conversation. Now that she had friends and loved ones, her heart ached to be away from them.

Hopefully she was less than twenty four hours behind Poe as that is all he promised to give her to get back and tell her story to Leia.

Another stroke of luck was that the Resistance didn't shoot her out of the sky on sight as she descended towards their base in the stolen First Order command shuttle, all sleek and black and an obvious symbol of their enemy. They must have been keeping an eye on the movements of the tracking beacon she had, which she switched back on as soon as she put some space between her and Ben and the island.

She set the shuttle down in the bay right next to the Falcon and powered down. As she descended the ramp into the hangar, a furry mass came into her line of vision.

She broke out into a run and all but jumped into Chewie's arms. Chewie who never judged her for trying to save Ben. Chewie who waited patiently for her while she tried to convince Luke to join the resistance. Chewie who has done nothing but support her.

The old wookie roared his happiness at her return and she buried her face into a fuzzy shoulder, deeply inhaling the scent of engine fuel and a faintly musky scent that reminded her of the inside of the Falcon. Her feet dangled in the air as he hugged her tight.

"I'm glad to be back," she smiled up at him as he dropped her back to her feet gently. "Where is Leia? I need to see her right away."

Before Chewie had a chance to respond, a husky feminine voice spoke from behind her.

"I'm right here," Leia spoke. Rey turned slowly and the general stood with folded arms and a stern expression that made her stomach sink. Poe guiltily lurked in the hangar, on the fringes of her vision, trying to avoid eye contact and busy himself tinkering with his X-wing. "It seems like we have a lot to discuss, come with me."

Leia motioned for Rey to follow her and Rey was reminded of a time when she was very young and, in desperation, stole a portion from another scavenger. The older woman back on Jakku scolded her, but let her keep the ration for some unfathomable reason. Rey wasn't sure if Leia would be as forgiving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not that it needs to be said, but I'll say it anyway - don't kiss people without their permission and definitely don't kiss people while they are asleep. Bad Ben.
> 
> Comments give me life.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr - edawn


	16. Explaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sincere thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter, I haven't brought myself to respond to all the comments yet because I get so emotional when I'm reading them. You are all amazing and your support means the world to me. Seriously, I don't have the words to explain how much I love this community.
> 
> I've been feeling very inspired this week so I've started another fic as well, this one is a modern Reylo AU: [Dreams of Another Life.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14618892/chapters/33785034)  
> Let me know what you think of it!

"Let's start at the beginning." Leia sank into a small metal chair situated behind a desk in her makeshift office.

The new base that the Resistance set up at had more modern amenities than the last, like an actual med center and command center. It also had the benefit of not being an old prison. It was built on the fly by some Resistance sympathizers, set up on an unnamed moon of an unnamed planet in the very farthest reaches of the outer rim. The pilots had taken to calling the base 'The Thread' since it was barely hanging on to the rest of the galaxy.

"The beginning?" Rey swallowed nervously, she felt like she was no longer standing on solid ground. Poe had promised to give her some time, but she can see how he would crack under the pressure of that sharp eyed stare from Leia.

"Yes, the beginning. I need to know what is going on between you and my son. If he has corrupted you... you could be a danger to us all." Leia's shoulders sagged and she suddenly looked so much older than her years.

"I am not corrupted," Rey couldn't help but raise her voice. "I am not corrupted," she said it softer this time, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the door was closed. "Have you ever used the force to talk to someone who wasn't there?"

Leia hesitated, appraising her. "Yes, I could communicate with Luke sometimes... when our emotions were heightened. It was more of an exchange of feelings than a conversation."

"Well something brought Ben and me together. We can communicate... not at will, but when we are brought together it is as if we are sitting in the same room." Rey averted her eyes when she saw how glassy the general's had become.

"Is he here now?" Leia whispered and her voice was even more raspy than usual.

"No," Rey murmured. "I haven't seen him in a few days, since I left Ahch-to again. He was upset with me, I think he may be blocking me out."

"Is that where he is now?" Leia's voice was even now, back to being the general. It was not the voice of a mother who was worried for her child.

"Yes, but General we have to leave him there for now. I promised him I wouldn't bring him to the Resistance. I promised." Rey was on the edge of her chair now, leaning forward and unashamed of the pleading tones in her voice. If she broke her promise to Ben, even inadvertently, she would never forgive herself. She couldn't promise him much, it was all she could do for him.

"He is a war criminal, Rey. I can't protect him just because..." Leia trailed off. She didn't need to say why, Rey knew.

"No one has to know. According to the First Order he is missing, right? Let him stay missing. The only people that know are Poe, you, and me. He just needs time. I can feel the light in him."

"I've felt the light in him too. I've always felt it. From the time his consciousness came to life inside my womb, to the time he was firing on our ship while the First Order hunted us down after we fled D'Qar. The light inside him isn't powerful enough to override the dark. It just isn't, I can't tell myself otherwise anymore. My false hope has cost me nearly everything." Leia was gripping the edge of her desk now, looking like she was being torn apart just as Ben was.

"General-"

"Leia." Leia snapped at her.

"Leia, I'm sorry for everything he has taken from you." Rey shifted in her seat anxiously and Leia gave her look that told her to choose her next words carefully. "He has been alone for so long, which isn't an excuse, I know, but he has. Now he has me. I want to... help him. He is lost. Ben is at his most vulnerable right now... he has lost everything. If I abandon or betray him now, he will be gone forever."

Rey was struggling to find the right words as Leia stared her down with an even, unreadable gaze. She looked shockingly like Ben in that moment, a passive exterior with unknown emotions boiling under the surface.

"I won't lose you, too. Not to him. Not again." Leia's faced closed off with an eerie finality. "You should stay away from him. Close yourself off from the force if you have to."

"But-"

"No. That is an order. If he does manage to reach out to you, alert me immediately. I won't put the Resistance and the future of our galaxy in danger because of him."

Rey opened her mouth again to speak but no words came out. Her cheeks were wet and she realized that tears were silently streaming down her face.

Leia made to exit the small room with slow, tired steps.

"I will leave him on that island for now, that particular secret is safe with me. After the war we will find a way to deal with him."

Rey didn't want to think too long on what she meant by 'deal with him'. How else would someone deal with a war criminal who has committed crimes on the same scale that Ben has?

She left. Rey sat alone, the silence closing in on her. She choked back a sob. All of the rejection and loneliness that Ben has ever felt seemed to come crashing down on her at once. It was crushing her.

In a moment of weakness, she reached out with the force. She just wanted to brush against him, to feel him out there. Strangely enough, she wanted his comfort. She was met with nothing but static.

*

Kylo Ren was angry.

This was nothing new, he had always pulled on his anger for strength. Sometimes he let it loose, allowing his anger to takeover and transform him into a creature of pure rage and instinct. He destroyed whatever he could and his anger was appeased, it would recede and lurk beneath the surface until he was ready to let it boil over again.

This type of anger was different, it left him feeling helpless and impotent. This island felt like a cage. The expanse of ocean around him felt like walls that were closing in around him. He was _suffocating_.

The caretakers gave him a wide berth, only coming to attend to the village when he was well clear of it. Even the porgs, curious creatures that they were, mostly avoided him.

The first day after she left, he slept. He slept and his dreams were filled with her. Some of the dreams were sexual, he pictured her eager and spread open for him. Sometimes she would be wet for him, begging him to enter her. Other times she would be standoffish and uninterested and he would have to work for it, falling to his knees and licking her warm center until she was pliant and willing in his hands. He wasn't ashamed of those dreams, he reveled in them.

The dreams that filled him with anguish and shame were a different sort of dream. Dreams where they had built a home together. She laughed with him until there were tears in her eyes. In some of these dreams, her belly was swollen with their child. They sparred together and lived together and his anger was just a distant memory. Sometimes she would run her fingers through his hair like he liked and he would curl up in their shared bed next to her.

Sometimes Rey wasn't there at all. It was just him and the girl from their shared vision. Always the same little girl with a mop of dark hair. She had fearsome temper tantrums that only he could calm. Other times, she was playful and mischievous, always getting into things she wasn't supposed to. The dreams felt so real, he felt like he _knew_ her.

Whenever he woke up from one of those dreams he would feel nothing but a crushing longing and deep shame. Those things weren't for him. Rey didn't want that with him and he didn't deserve it either way. He wasn't good and those dreams belonged to someone else.

The second day after she left, he forced himself to gather food and water. He wouldn't let his body waste away here. He ran until his legs were numb. He needed to keep up his strength, for what he wasn't sure, but he knew that he would need it.

The third day brought a renewed sense of boredom. He brought out his lightsaber for the first time since he had seen Rey wield it against him during their sparring. She had drawn on their powers and overcome him so easily it both frightened and excited him.

He practiced with his lightsaber, ignoring the curious and disapproving looks that the caretakers cast his way from afar. He swung it with brutal, sweeping strokes. Kylo wasn't feeling particularly graceful or precise, he just wanted to destroy.

As he practiced, he felt a peculiar sort of tugging feeling. It was emanating from the Jedi temple.

Kylo only went up there once since arriving at the island, when he sensed Luke Skywalker's presence and thought that Rey was in danger. He hadn't taken the time to meditate or investigate the temple. Now it seemed like the force was pushing him in that direction. Whispering to him and tempting him to climb the stairs and enter the temple.

Stubbornly, he dug deeper into his lightsaber practice and ignored the summons. He wouldn't be a slave to the force, just because it willed him to enter the temple didn't mean he would drop everything and obey. Even if he didn't have much of anything else better to do.

He was his own person. He had free will. The force couldn't change that.

He was sweating now, he tugged his tunic over his head and wiped his forehead with it. The sun was out and it beat down on his freckled back. He hoped it would burn, he welcomed the pain of it. He wanted to feel the sharp sting as he laid in bed at night, maybe that would at least be a respite from the dreams.

There were times in the past when he hurt himself, or when Snoke hurt him, just to bring him pain. The pain helped him focus, it made him strong. Now, looking back, it all felt so very wrong. He could no longer find the will to purposefully inflict harm on himself. It felt wrong. Rey wouldn't like it.

At the thought of Rey he scowled. What did she care if he hurt himself, really? She wasn't here to stop him. He had focused so much energy on keeping her out of his head the past few days. There were moments when it seemed like their connection was going to open, but he exerted all of his strength trying to close it off.

Still, he didn't hurt himself. He told himself that it had nothing to do with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments give me life.
> 
> Tumblr: [edawn](http://edawn.tumblr.com)


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